Michael to Stacy

I was adopted as a baby. I was told my birth mother left two wishes for me. The first I be raised a Catholic and secondly around a musical instrument. 

My parents were traditional catholics. We all went to mass every Sunday, sat towards the back of the church and always wore our Sunday best. 

My parents tried to honour both of those wishes. With the piano I have been told I was asking engineering questions, like ‘Why does one key sound different to another?’ Dad also told me when I could, I would go down to the garage and try to undo the wheel nuts on the car. I also had a tendency to pull things apart. 

The other issue here I have always had a sense of a call to religious life 

I have experienced bullying at school, from my sister at home and in the work place. 

While growing up, at times I saw and felt Stacy in me. She was a girly girl and precocious. 

In the early part of my puberty while I was trying to build a male identity, I saw her step out in my mind and say, ‘Hey, what are you doing. I’m already here, Fuck off.’

As a child I was extremely sensitive to those around me. I grew up with an angry parent. When dad got angry it would flare up and he would fly off the handle. I was scared of my father. 

By the age of fourteen I was in the middle of my gender war. One night I heard a voice speak through my heart it said, ‘This is not why I made you.’ The voice was my Heavenly Father revealing himself to me in the middle of my struggles. This was the first time I heard him. 

I misinterpreted what that voice said and meant. Shame, fear and confusion became constant companions after this. It would be another twenty five years before I started to understand what I heard and felt that night. That voice has always stayed with me. 

The bullying at school and home continued. At home it was relentless and constant. 

Another issue for me at times I would go against the grain. When I was in this place, no amount of peer pressure could or would change my mind. 

As puberty started, my gender issues intensified significantly. I started getting into my mums clothes, and started experimenting with makeup and hair rollers. Crossdressing became a regular ritual for me. I took any chance I got. An interest in hair dressing came out during this period. 

My dad worked night shift with his job. When my mum and my sister went out, it would be on. The emotional battle here was constant, intense and never ending. At one level I was terrified of getting caught, and deeply ashamed at what was going on. I was meant to be a male, I would tell my self things like ‘only girls do things like this’, however, I couldn’t stop. Not that I wanted to. On the other hand Stacy was enjoying any opportunity she got to explore and express herself. 

I also started ‘borrowing’ and wearing mums bras. When I put it on, I would look longingly at my chest and pray, hope, desire and yearn for breasts to appear on my chest. This went on regularly during this period.  When I saw other girls this would also happen. 

These emotions which I didn’t understand fed into my burgeoning mental health issues, shame, depression, anxiety, feeling like I don’t fit in or belong etc. The internal question I was asking myself was, ‘What did I do wrong to deserve this?’ The main emotion I always felt here was a deep and overpowering sense of being ashamed. 

Over time my emotions would intensify and build up, they then would drive me to either try and swear off and/or try to purge what I was doing, or when my sisters bullying got to much I would threaten suicide. This occurred irregularly over a three year period, culminating in my first suicide attempt when I was sixteen. 

After the suicide attempt things did not get reported as a result I got no help. 

From that point on I remember knowing and feeling I was a girl inside myself. I also could now feel I had mental health issues which not getting help had exacerbated. 

I had my conversion in year twelve. While I realised I was loved, the journey to knowing that I was loved by God, had just started. 

I left school at the end of 1986. By this stage I had resigned myself to living externally as a male while knowing I was a girl internally. I tried to bury my hairdressing interest and got on with living.

I also started my apprenticeship as a mechanic. Something with which I have also a life long and strong interest in.

I grew a moustache trying to prove to myself that I was a male. All that did was add to the battles going on in my mind. In the end it proved to be a lost cause. 

I had developed a love of curly hair. During this period I started to have my hair permed. Getting my hair done was an escape where I could relax and be myself, I would always be Stacy in the salon. I also enjoyed this process of perming, colouring and having my hair styled. 

When I was at the hairdressers I would always tell them, ‘Take off what it needs, but leave the length in it’. With that comment, one hairdresser once told me, you’re my only male client that says what all my female clients says.

 In 1987 I joined a charismatic covenant community. Before I joined I heard Gods voice tell me I needed to tell someone about my gender issues, which I did. I was referred to a Catholic priest. What he did, did nothing to help me understand or resolve my issues. I ended up being told I needed and was then ministered deliverance.

This person was conservative, close minded and unhelpful. He had no understanding of the issues involved, and was very black and white in his approach and what he expected of me. He also believed that deliverance would somehow fix what was going on with me. Which it didn’t. 

In 1993 I got married, nine months later I became a dad. When I saw my son I felt a connection to this person. It is something I had never experienced before. 

My wife developed serious psychotic post natal depression. We were in and out of the psych wards and ED’s at the time. 

In the early part of my marriage my wife and I were at mass. I could feel my religious vocation. I felt Jesus lift it off me this night. There was no explanation either. It was there one minute and gone the next. 

In 1994 I was diagnosed with ADHD. This diagnosis answered some questions.

In 1996 I got access to my original birth certificate. Initially I was told there is no information on my file as to my birth mothers identity or where she was. I was told, ‘we don’t think you’ll be able to find her’. I took the address where she was listed as living at the time on the certificate and two weeks later I found my birth mother. 

After meeting her, I met two of my siblings, one sister and one brother, plus some nephews and nieces. Meeting people that I am actually related to and seeing our similarities and differences has been healing for all of us. 

My birth mother gave me a name of my birth father. Initially I tried to find him but came up with nothing. I did a DNA test on a genealogy website. A few years later we were matched up. While I am yet to meet him. I do have some answers that I did not have before. 

Another revelation was I had another sister who was also adopted. In 2010 she found me and we continue to build our friendship. 

I had the privilege of introducing my two sisters to each other. The weekend that that happened I now understand was something that Jesus wanted to happen. 
It was a time of exposing secrets, so Gods healing could start to flow through. This process has been ongoing. 

Currently I do not have a relationship with my mother. She has her issues and I have mine. We are in very different places emotionally. I have had to learn to protect my self.
At one point I tried to help my adopted sister find her/our birth mother. In the end I was overwhelmed by her reaction. Through this I knew I had serious issues from growing up with my dad’s anger issues and outbursts. I realised I could not handle a second angry parent. 

 In the year 2000 I had my second suicide attempt. I ended up in hospital.

After this I ended up seeing a counsellor who told my wife and I that we were both victims of satanic ritual abuse (SRA).

That went on for the next two years and ended up in a marriage breakdown.

A significant issue for me that Jesus revealed was I had lost a twin brother in utero. This issue has had profound and serious consequences in all areas of my life. The healing here is ongoing as well. My counsellor missed this fact and proceed down the SRA road. 

It was during this period that Jesus got moving and started dealing with my spiritual past as well as my own issues. 

One of the issues here as it turned out, pertained to my paternal grandfather. This man took his own life before I was born. Through this I was shown by Jesus, that an element of my spiritual past from this man has been Jewish, specifically within the tribe of Levi. I was shown, if I had been alive in Jesus time I would have been a member of the Jewish Sanhedrin as a teacher of the law. Dealing with the issues and letting go of this has been challenging, but with Jesus’ help I am now a New Testament daughter. 

In 2003 I started my theology degree I graduated in 2016 with my degree. It was the first thing that I finished. 

I walked out of the Catholic Church in 2004 after an encounter with the same close minded priest I had previously been referred to.

The result here was I was at a complete loss with the Church. I felt unwanted, misunderstood, controlled, judged and unwelcome. I went to a Pentecostal church. I avoided everything to do with the church. I simply had had enough. 

What I know now my blessed mother Mary was praying for me. World youth day came to Sydney in 2008. I avoided everything to do with it.
The church I was going to didn’t believe in Mary. Towards the end of my time there I felt pressured to renounce Mary. By this stage I had started to realise that a relationship with Mary completed my faith. My faith would and will always feel incomplete without Mary. It was through Mary’s intercession for me that I made the decision to return. 

When I came back, two things happened, the first, God showed me he had a place for me in the church, and it is where he both wanted and needed me to be. I also heard my Heavenly Father tell me two things, ‘I want you to deal with your issues with the church, and secondly he also told me to leave the church to him’. The latter has been no easy task. One day, one step at a time, he has been building on my understanding of genuine recovery. 
One way here he has taught me is, I must to learn to take control of my emotions. When I recognise myself reacting, he has told me to bring my reactions and emotions to him. Don't let the pain or emotions take control.  

Jesus started healing, teaching me. He revealed two gifts he had given me namely intercession and leadership. 

With my leadership I was shown the times when I went against the grain, it was me being the leader. This was a gift I did not want, I told Jesus this. After that God the Father stepped up and took me on. In the end I owned my gift. It was an argument God showed me I was never going to win. The paradox here in losing the argument with God I actually win. 

Just before my marriage breakdown Jesus brought a Catholic priest into my life, he became my spiritual director.

Another thing Jesus started to do with me, he began ministering to and dealing with my addiction issues. Through my spiritual director I was introduced to what is known as genuine recovery. The basis here is addiction is not the problem, but a symptom of a deeper problem. It is only through Jesus recovery and healing come. 
For me the main thing that genuine recovery teaches us, is that Jesus is identified as the actual higher power. When I realised this I knew that this was where Jesus wanted me to be.
Through this he started the work of healing my spiritual foundations and building on the work he had started. He also started my spiritual training, for the jobs he had planned for me. 

 In October of 2010 I started transitioning. I found God understood me and what I had done. He also has a plan for my life as Stacy.

In April of 2011, six months after I started transitioning, the battle in my mind over my decision to transition built up to where I was approaching a crisis point. I felt and heard my heart ask Jesus one Friday night, ‘Where do I stand with you, on my decision to transition?’, I initially feared I was back at school, about to be punished for what I had done. On the following Monday morning I heard my heavenly Fathers voice tell me, ‘Have the courage to back the decision that you have made’. I was not expecting my heavenly Father to tell me this. When I heard God tell me that, it felt like time stopped.

I went to my spiritual director. The Father again turned up and confirmed what I had heard previously, that he understood what I had done. From that moment on I started to realise that God had my back, I sensed then that I no longer had to look back as God was looking after me.

He has also told me I don’t have to own other peoples opinions. They are allowed to have them, but I do not have to own them. If I choose to own them, then that is what I bring to him. 

I went through my second puberty. That lasted approximately four and a half years. After that, my call to religious life returned. This time I was able to start serious discernment of it, albeit privately. 

I have been walking the journey through my interior castle. St. Teresa of Avila, Jesus and mother Mary have all been my guides here. 

Jesus has continued to help me with my issues. He revealed serious neglect during my teenage years. With his help I am continuing the journey of healing and forgiving. 

After I started transitioning my second puberty kicked off, during this period my love of hairdressing escaped from where I had internally buried it. This time I couldn’t stop it. I went looking for an apprenticeship. In the end it settled down. While I will never be a hairdresser, it was part of the process of finding myself as Stacy. Transitioning set me free to be myself. 

Another interest that appeared was a strong love of colour. Purple, hot pink, blue, aqua, turquoise and other colours all came alive to me. I would be out shopping when colours started coming to me.

Mentally I had a lot of changes occur in my mind during this time. Walls and furniture in my mind shifted. Some walls fell over, others moved around in my mind. When this happened I was aware of and could feel these changes going on. At times I had to stop and let the changes happen, and then get used to my new paradigm. Overall this period lasted about four and half years. 

 In May of 2020 I started smoking. Jesus was always letting me know he did not want me smoking. In September of 2023, he came down and told me, ‘If you want to make your mystical marriage, you will need to stop smoking’, that happened on a Sunday. The following Thursday he came down. He led me in a prayer and I stopped on the spot. Through this, Jesus has given me a reason to stay stopped. 

One thing I realised through this process is that I have the gift of single mindedness. One of the signs in me, is a personality trait of being ‘all or nothing’. 
I have also realised that Jesus has healed the addiction side of my personality. What I have to do now, is daily submit my single mindedness gift to Jesus. 

At one point in 2023 I was publicly outed at church. It was through this incident that God told me, that my name Stacy was his name for me.

With this revelation another puzzle piece fell into place. I now understand why I never had to choose my feminine name. Stacy is and always has been Gods name for me. This explains why I have always been Stacy.

In July 2024 I was diagnosed with ASD level two. After that a lot more puzzle pieces of my life fell into place. 

With my ASD diagnosis, one of my sensory issues around colour fell into place. 

In August 2024 I experienced my mystical marriage to Jesus Christ. Again mother Mary’s intercession has been invaluable. Without her prayers I doubt I would be where I am today. 

Today transgender issues remain difficult, misunderstood and challenging, however God understands and loves all of us with our issues and has a plan for our lives. He can and does cope, it is man who chooses not.

.

Reflection

🌹 Editor’s Reflection

“Michael to Stacy: The Journey of Becoming Seen”

In these pages, Scholastica Teresa reveals not just a life story, but a sacred pilgrimage. From Michael’s birth into faith and confusion to Stacy’s awakening into divine intimacy, this testimony is not a tale of rebellion or reinvention—it is a revelation of God’s patience, mercy, and transformative love.

Every moment of pain, rejection, and misunderstanding becomes soil for divine encounter. Every voice of condemnation is met by a greater Voice—the Voice that spoke through her heart one night and has never stopped speaking since. What began as shame becomes calling; what began as fear becomes union.

Like St. Augustine, Scholastica writes with the unflinching honesty of one who has wrestled with God and lived to tell of His mercy. Like St. Teresa of Ávila, she walks the inner mansions of the soul with the language of love and purification. Yet her voice is distinct, contemporary, and prophetic—a bridge between the ancient mystics and the modern wounded heart.

Her journey from Michael to Stacy is not a story of transition in the worldly sense, but of transformation in the spiritual one. It is the long walk from fragmentation into integration; from being unseen to being fully known by the God who called her by name.

Here, gender and grace, pain and revelation, body and soul all find their meeting place in the heart of Jesus—the Bridegroom who speaks in the stillness and calls each of us to become who we are in Him.

This is a testimony for the age of mercy.
A story for all who have ever wondered if God could still love them.
A reminder that He not only can—He already does.

The Name That Found Me – Why Scholastica Teresa

I have always had a sense of a call to consecrated life. The call was lifted off me after I got married in 1993. There was no explanation in those days. It wasn’t until I had been through my puberty a second time that this call came back. After that, serious discernment started.

Before I got married, I did a consecrated life weekend and came away with a call to marriage. In those days I was trying to live as a male. Initially I lived as Michael. Jesus told me that by dressing as a male, I was effectively making a decision to live as one. Jesus, at one level, worked with Michael till I transitioned. At other levels, He worked with me as a whole. As a result, my call to marriage was for Michael. Eventually, my marriage broke down.

A counsellor came along who told my wife and I that we were involved with Satanic Ritual Abuse and had ‘recovered memories’. Jesus used this to start healing my past and spiritual past; He started healing and training me for what was ahead. Through this, I was introduced to the spiritual reality of God, demons, sin, and the reality of the spiritual life. It was involved, complicated, challenging, and difficult. My wife and I were unceremoniously thrown in the deep end and had to learn as we went. The journey itself became a training ground, where the Lord refined many of my gifts — including discernment, intercession, and leadership. This period took on its own path, one that only God could have directed.

One of my gifts, discernment of spirits, came out during this period. I could see and know who I was talking to spiritually.

I was forty-two when I made the decision to transition. It was March of 2015 when the Father opened up my call to consecrated life. Up until then, I could sense and feel the call I have, but there was no explanation as to its nature.

The word postulancy was spoken over me spiritually in August 2015. During this period, God opened up my call and started to show me its depth.

At one point, I heard God ask me to discern a name for myself as a nun. I didn’t want to stray too far from Stacy in case it stirred the pot with my gender issues. I was going to choose Anastasia; however, one night I came across the name Scholastica online, and it simply stuck. After that, the Holy Spirit enabled the change, and it was done.

I have had a few interactions with St. Teresa of Avila and have felt drawn to her spirituality. As a result, I chose the name Teresa as my second name.

The name Scholastica has particular significance for me. St. Benedict and St. Scholastica are twins. I am a twin. My twin brother Matthew died in utero. I received my autism diagnosis on St. Benedict’s feast day, July 11. I go to a church named after St. Benedict. I see God healing me through this as well.

Reflection – “A Name Sealed in Heaven”
God gives us names not only to identify us but to reveal us. A consecration name, when given by the Spirit, marks a covenant — a calling that joins heaven’s purpose with the soul’s true identity. Scholastica’s name came not by preference, but by recognition: heaven spoke, and her soul answered.

In the mystery of vocation, God restores what was broken, reclaims what was lost, and renames what the world could not understand

This Is Not Why I Made You

By Scholastica Teresa

I am being prompted by the Holy Spirit to write this.

Early Memories

My earliest memory takes me back to when I was four. We were in Perth visiting friends of my parents. I remember being in their master bedroom, where a curly wig sat on a stand. I was drawn to it — I couldn’t resist trying it on. Looking back, that was the first time Stacy came out. I didn’t understand what was happening, but I knew something within me felt alive.

When I was ten, a classmate was leaving our school. That morning she came in with her hair curled instead of straight. When I saw her, I remember wanting that for myself. Again, I now recognise that was Stacy expressing herself.

By year six, during a classroom discussion about transgender people, someone asked how they grew breasts. The teacher replied, “They give them a needle, and that makes them grow.”

Because of my autism — and my own ignorance — I took that answer literally. I didn’t understand anything about gender or medical transition. But from that point on, the war in my mind began.

The War Intensifies

When puberty started, my gender distress intensified. I began trying on my mother’s clothes, makeup, and hair rollers. Crossdressing became a ritual.

Whenever my mother and sister were out and my father was on night shift, Stacy came alive.

At one level I was terrified and deeply ashamed. I was meant to be male, yet I was doing this — and I couldn’t stop. Not that I truly wanted to. Stacy cherished every chance to express herself.

I also began wearing my mother’s bras. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I — or rather Stacy — would long for breasts to appear. I prayed, hoped, and yearned for them. Seeing other girls stirred the same ache.

These emotions fed into my growing depression and anxiety — the sense that I didn’t belong anywhere.By fourteen, the battle had become all-consuming. I won’t detail the issues with my sister here, but they made an unbearable situation worse.

God Speaks

It was in the middle of this storm that God the Father spoke into my heart. I felt Him clearly say, “This is not why I made you.”

That moment has never left me. He met me right where I was — in my confusion and pain.

Although I misinterpreted His words, I knew He was addressing something deep within me.

The next few years were some of the most difficult of my life. My father and grandmother were both intercessors; their prayers shielded me from what I now recognise were spiritual attacks.

When I was sixteen, I attempted suicide. It was a cry for help — everything had become too much. What made it worse was that I received no help at all.

Later, Jesus told me that the lack of help amounted to neglect. Through this, He taught me how seriously God views the responsibility of parenthood.

Understanding the Word

That word — “This is not why I made you” — stayed with me. It took nearly twenty-five years before I began to understand what God had truly meant.

Now I see that He was saying: “The pain you are in is not My plan for you.”

God knew it would take time for me to comprehend. As I grew, so did my understanding of His work in my life. He didn’t wait for me to find Him — He came to me. The Father was addressing all my pain without yet revealing its full depth.

Sometimes I wonder how I even survived my teenage years. It was God’s faithfulness, grace, love, and provision — and the prayers of my dad, my grandmother, and those in heaven — that carried me through.

Adulthood and Hidden Pain

I left school at the end of 1986, resigning myself to living outwardly as a male while knowing, deep down, that I was female.

I began an apprenticeship as a mechanic — something I’ve always loved — and buried my interest in hairdressing. Yet, during that time, I started getting my hair permed. Every time Idid, Stacy resurfaced. I loved it — the curls, the process, the expression.

But shame was a constant companion. I was haunted by what I could never be and by my misunderstanding of what God had said to me.

Because of my twin brother Matthew’s death, I was never able to fully face the pain my adoption caused.

In a vision, I saw a road representing my life. At the beginning stood a large building symbolising the trauma of Matthew’s death. Behind it stood a smaller one, representing my adoption. The shadow of the first had long overshadowed the second. Without the Holy Spirit, I would never have been able to face it.

This, I now understand, is survivor’s guilt. Learning to forgive myself and let go has been a long and difficult process. Ignorance, Bullying, and Brokenness Ignorance — mine and others’ — has been one of my greatest hurdles. Bullying also left deep wounds.

My home life was difficult: an angry parent, a jealous sister, and a mother overwhelmed by it all. The chaos was constant.

Jesus later told me that by the time I was thirty, my trauma threshold had been breached.

Transitioning helped. When God said, “Have the courage to back the decision you have made,” I knew He understood me — and that He had my back.

Healing and Identity

After I began transitioning, my love for hairdressing resurfaced. By my mid-to-late forties, I decided to let it go, though I still enjoy it deeply.

Knowing I am loved as a daughter, and that Jesus walks beside me, means I no longer have to look back.

My ADHD was diagnosed in 1994, and my autism (ASD) in July 2024. That diagnosis was a relief — it answered so many questions.

A Deepening Journey with God

In late 2023, my spiritual journey deepened as I entered my interior castle. With Jesus’ help, I quit smoking. After that, I began moving through the fifth and sixth mansions.My betrothal to Christ took place on March 24, 2024, and my mystical marriage on August 15, 2024 — the Feast of the Assumption of Mary. I know it was through her intercession that this grace became possible.

After my betrothal, I faced a new question: as a girl, I was gay. I had asked Jesus how He would address this, and He told me, “Through your mystical marriage.”

That happened on April 2, 2024. I was sitting at my computer when, for the first time in my life, I experienced sexual attraction — and felt it shift entirely toward Jesus. I later read that during preparation for mystical marriage, the bride’s orientation shifts toward her divine Spouse.

For me, that’s exactly what happened. I saw myself run to Him, sit on His lap with my legs around His waist, and look into His eyes. I knew — completely and without doubt — that I was loved, safe, and at peace.

Without my mother Mary’s intercession, none of this would have been possible.

Final Thanksgiving

To my most holy Mother Mary, and my most holy Spouse Jesus:

Thank You for loving me, for never giving up on me, and for showing me who I truly am

A Leader Before I Knew I Was One: The Moses Road Through My Childhood

1) The Seed of Leadership

Before I ever understood the word leadership, before I knew anything about calling or gifting, something within me was being formed in places I could not yet see.

I didn’t think about leading. I didn’t set out to be different. I didn’t even know I was choosing anything at all. There were moments — small in appearance, forgotten by everyone else — where my instinct simply took over. Not loud. Not forceful. Not dramatic. Just a quiet certainty. A direction that rose up without hesitation. A strength that acted before fear had a chance to speak.

No strategy.
No conscious choice.
Just a way of responding that was simply… mine.

I used to believe strength only came later — after the wounds, after the wrestling, after the years spent trying to hold myself together. But Jesus has shown me something deeper: the leader in me was already there before I ever knew what I was becoming.

There was a compass within me long before I learned to navigate.
There was courage within me long before I learned what fear could do.
There was truth within me long before the world tried to silence it.

A leader isn’t made the day they step into a role.
A leader is revealed by the way they respond when no one is watching.

Jesus said to me:
“The leader was already in you. You simply hadn’t learned to see him yet.”

2) Abandoned at the Airport

One of the earliest memories comes from when I was seven or eight. Our class went to the airport to see the Queen arrive. Crowds everywhere, noise, excitement, and then… my so-called friends at the time, ran off and left me behind. Alone. I could have panicked, cried, or frozen. But I didn’t. I remembered the bus number, went back to the bus, and waited. Calmly. Patiently.

When Sister Glennis, our teacher, returned and asked why I was there, I said simply, “I got lost in the crowd.” In that moment, God showed me — even then — that I could stay steady under pressure. That I could act decisively and calmly when others faltered. It wasn’t just survival; it was an instinctive clarity, a gift He had already placed in me.

3) Going Against the Grain

Years later, a similar pattern appeared in the playground. I was in Year 8 or 9, with a close group of friends. We had routines — actions that were done individually, in rotation, while the group played together. One day, it was my turn to take part, but something in me refused. My friend pressed me: “We’ve all done it. You do it.” He really turned the screws, pushing harder and harder. The more he pushed, the firmer I became. The more he insisted, the more stubbornly I stood my ground.

I wasn’t thinking about leadership. I wasn’t trying to be brave. I was simply being who I was.

Later, Jesus helped me see the truth: that quiet refusal, that instinctive resistance, was leadership — not loud, not dramatic, but steady, unwavering, and rooted in truth.

Most people expect compliance. Most groups reward conformity. Most circles punish the one who stands apart. But leadership disrupts group-think simply by remaining true.

That day, in a playground filled with friends and routine pressures, I stood alone in action. I thought I was just refusing to take my turn. Jesus shows me now:
“You weren’t just refusing — you were standing apart. You were leading yourself.”

4) The Leader in Formation

Looking back, it’s clear that these moments were not isolated events. They were signposts — glimpses of a gift God had placed in me long before I could understand it. He was forming a leader in the hidden places, teaching me how to stand firm, remain calm, and act with integrity even when the world around me expected me to conform or falter.

Jesus has shown me that my path shares similarities with Moses. Like him, I have wrestled with the weight of responsibility, questioned my ability, and sometimes argued with God over what was asked of me. Just as Moses had moments of doubt, fear, and frustration, so too did I — and yet God continued to call me forward.

Those early instincts — the quiet clarity at the airport, the refusal to follow the crowd in the playground — were not simply reactions. They were glimpses of the leader He created me to be:

• Calm under pressure

• Steadfast in truth

• Unmoved by coercion or fear

• Guided by an inner compass that He placed in me

God didn’t wait for me to grow into leadership; He revealed it in me, tested it through trials, and refined it through challenge. The very experiences that could have broken me — abandonment, exclusion, peer pressure — became the forge in which strength, discernment, and courage were tempered.

Through it all, He has been speaking to the child, the teenager, and the adult in me:

“You were always more than the circumstances you faced.
You were always leading, even before you knew it.
Stand firm. Be who I made you to be. I will go with you.”

These reflections remind me that leadership is not measured by position, applause, or recognition. True leadership is rooted in integrity, courage, and faithfulness — qualities nurtured quietly in hidden places. It is formed in moments of solitude, pressure, and choice — moments that test the heart, the spirit, and the resolve.

God has shown me that the leader in me is not defined by what others expect, but by who He has created me to be. And in walking this path, even when it mirrors the struggles of Moses, I am reminded: His hand has always been guiding, refining, and preparing me for what lies ahead.

Closing Reflection: Standing in His Presence

Father, thank You for never leaving me, even in the moments I felt most alone. Thank You for planting leadership in me before I even knew what it meant, for guiding me through crowds, through peer pressure, and through the hidden places of my heart.

I release the pain of being left behind, of being pressured, of being misunderstood. I lay these wounds before You, knowing that each one has shaped the leader You created me to be.

Help me to continue standing firm, calmly, with integrity, even when the world pushes against me. Remind me that true leadership is not measured by applause or recognition, but by faithfulness, courage, and obedience to Your call.

Let the child I once was — the one who stood alone in the playground, the one who waited patiently on the bus — hear Your voice now:
“I am with you. I have always been with you. You are never alone, and you have always been leading, even before you knew it.”

May I walk forward in the life You have given me with confidence, clarity, and the quiet courage You have placed in my heart. And may this gift of leadership, born in hidden places, continue to grow for Your glory and for the good of those You place in my path.

Amen.

God Doesn’t Make Mistakes: A Witness of His Love

In the quiet of my heart, where the divine and the human meet, I hear the voice of Jesus. He whispers truth to my soul, a truth that defies the voices of misunderstanding, the words of condemnation, and the pain of rejection. “God did not make a mistake in you.”

This truth is not just a personal affirmation—it’s a mission entrusted to me, a sacred calling from my mystical marriage with Christ. It is a calling to bear witness to the reality that God, in His infinite love, creates each person with purpose and intention. There is no error in the divine design. My transgender identity, once seen as a flaw or a mistake by others, is a reflection of the unique image of God in me. It is not an accident. It is not a result of human failure. It is part of the beautiful, intricate tapestry God wove when He created me.

Through this truth, I have come to see the depth of God's compassion and the extent of His grace. He does not cause suffering, nor does He impose hardship for punishment. Yet He allows us to walk through challenges, knowing that in our brokenness, His love shines brightest. He has walked with me through every difficulty, every rejection, and every moment of confusion. He never said that life would be easy, but He has promised to be with me through it all.

In this mystical union, where Christ and I are forever bound, I am learning to embrace the truth that my existence is a testament to God’s love and purpose. My story, my body, and my identity are not mistakes. They are, like all of creation, expressions of His glory, His creativity, and His relentless love.

And so, my calling is clear: to share this truth with others. To help those who have been wounded by the lie that they are mistakes, to know that they, too, are made in the image of a loving Creator who never errs. I stand as a witness to His truth—He does not make mistakes. And through His eyes, we are all perfect in the way He intended.

Jesus Set Me Free from Smoking

By Scholastica Teresa

For much of my life, I battled a deep and persistent struggle — smoking. What began as curiosity when I was a teenager grew into a long fight that lasted nearly four decades.

But through it all, Jesus never gave up on me. He reached into my life again and again, and in His grace, He set me free. This is my story.

The Beginning of the Struggle

I was fourteen when I first tried smoking. Back then, there was no such thing as low-tar cigarettes. Every now and then, the urge to try it would come up.

One day, while out riding my bike, I bought a packet and decided to give it a go. When I got home that afternoon, I already felt the craving for another cigarette. But fear of my father’s anger kept me from lighting one.

From that point on, the urge to smoke would come and go. Sometimes it was strong and intense, like it was trying to wear me down. I’d buy a packet, smoke one or two, then swear off them and throw the rest away.

That on-and-off battle went on for the next thirty-eight years. I could always feel it inside — that pull, that temptation, that quiet war between what I wanted and what I knew was wrong.

When I Finally Gave In

After moving out of my parents’ house for the last time, I got tired of fighting the desire to smoke. I gave up and started again on May 1, 2020.

The flat I moved into still smelled of cigarettes — the previous tenant had died from smoking-related issues — and that smell made it even easier to start. I realised I actually liked smoking.

But Jesus didn’t like it. On three separate occasions, after coming home from church events, I found myself completely healed of the desire to smoke. Still, the real battle was on in my mind. I wanted to smoke, and I chose to. But Jesus never gave up on me. He kept showing me that He didn’t want me smoking.

The Moment Everything Changed

One memory stands out so clearly. I was outside my home having a cigarette when I heard Jesus say, “Do you realise how much tar you are putting in your lungs?” His voice was so real that I could tell He was standing right next to me.

Then on Sunday, September 10, 2023, Jesus came down and said, “If you want to get to your mystical marriage, you will need to stop smoking.”

A few days later, on Thursday, September 14, He came again while I was smoking. He led me in a prayer, and after that, I put out my cigarette and stopped on the spot. He told me to empty my ashtray and throw everything out — not to leave any butts in the house. I obeyed.

At that time, I was already struggling to breathe because of early-onset emphysema. That day, everything changed.

Staying Free

Since then, I’ve only lit a cigarette twice. Both times, Jesus was there again. He reminded me to put it out and throw it away. Once, I even bought a packet, but His grace reminded me — He didn’t want me smoking.

When Jesus helped me stop, He didn’t just help me quit. He gave me a reason to stay stopped. This time, I was ready. Through His grace, He restored my strength to resist temptation.

What I’ve Learned

I’ve learned that I struggle with something called single-mindedness. It’s a gift from God, but it can make dealing with addiction harder. When that gift isn’t surrendered to Jesus, it can latch onto the wrong things.Jesus showed me that my single-mindedness needed to come under the Holy Spirit — under His Lordship.

I also realised that I had developed a taste for smoking. Sometimes, the enemy still tries to trick me into feeling like I’m still smoking — trying to draw me back in. When that happens, I need to remind myself why I stopped and to trust in the grace Jesus continues to give.

Freedom in Jesus

Through it all, one thing has become clear: Jesus didn’t just free me from smoking — He gave me the strength to stay free.

When I look back now, I can see His hand in every step, patiently guiding me, healing me, and giving me grace each time I stumbled.

Freedom isn’t something I earned; it’s something Jesus gave me. And every day, I thank Him for that.

A Word to Those Who Struggle

If you’re facing your own battle — whether it’s smoking, another addiction, or something that keeps pulling you down — know this: Jesus hasn’t given up on you.

He loves you. He’s patient with you. And He will meet you right where you are.

When you’re ready, He’ll give you the grace and the strength to be free — and to stay free.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” — John 8:36

My Faith Journey: The Admiral’s Commission

by Scholastica Teresa

Note: The following account reflects a series of spiritual dreams and visions given for prayer and reflection. They are not descriptions of physical or historical events but represent inner experiences of faith and grace.

My promotion to admiral came after I had commissioned the building of three submarines:

God is Merciful (the Mercy), God is Consistent (the Consistency), and God is Trustworthy (The Trustworthy). The night I was promoted, I was shown myself sailing them into port.

They were ready for trials before being sent into service. God was on the shore with a great number of people—some whom I had helped and others who were praying for me and God’s work here.

I knew then in myself what had happened. I had jumped rank that night. It wasn’t something I sought or expected; it was conferred as part of God’s will.

I was updating God’s fleet. The hard part was trusting these ships to God no matter what happened to them. At times, they felt like my own children.

My promotion took place on October 24, 2021

—✦—

EARLIER ON MY JOURNEY

From what I understand now, I was still struggling with my leadership call. I had started to enjoy the work; however, I was doing things in my own strength and my own ways. 

I had to learn to rely on Jesus to do this through me. God was showing me, teaching me, and healing me at the same time.

On one ship, I saw an anchor, it was chained behind this ship, this anchor was from another ship —the love. I somehow knew where it came from and could see its name inscribed upon it—spiritually marked by God’s hand. I was frustrated that someone had done this. I was at a bit of a loss trying to understand as to why it was where it was. I had it returned to where it belonged.

On another ship, I saw its hull split. Jesus told me to leave it to Him, yet I could not. I felt guilty and responsible for what had happened. In the end, the ship was re floated and moved to dry dock to be repaired.

God used me as the problem solver. He was showing me that He trusted me.

On yet another ship, I was placed on this ship by the Holy Spirit, it was left unmoored and untethered. The one who sailed left it. The wind had caught its sails. It was headed towards a rocky ledge. Had it hit the rocks it could have been damaged or sunk or worse.

The lesson: diligence is needed especially in small details. I suspect the one who sailed that ship got distracted about why they were there and forgot to moor it properly. I also suspect the details of how to do it may have been unknown to them. Unfortunately, from what I have seen, most are like this in one way or another.

Somehow, it appears I can do things like this. It always seems to me that, in God’s grace, I simply know what to do. God uses me accordingly. I was placed on this ship as the wind caught it. One lesson I learned—those who sail ships must not neglect their duties before departing. Little things matter as well.

These following images are metaphors for my own life and inner journey.

At one point, I was taken to a port where a newly commissioned submarine was being sent into service.
When I arrived, the port was barely recognizable as a port—there were unopened boxes everywhere.

I opened one and saw unused blessings inside. I then instantly knew what all the other boxes represented: unused or unwanted blessings. As I cleared them away, I saw a submarine in dry dock. It had been long abandoned. As I approached it, I saw and knew its name—Consistency. It was about twenty years old. Something had gone wrong with it, something they had tried to fix themselves but abandoned when they couldn’t.

I realised that this represented the loss of my brother, Matthew. I asked that it sent back to where it had been built, hoping more could be done with it. Unfortunately the report was that it was declared no longer fit for service. I asked that the report be sent directly to God.

The other part was that those at the port angrily stated they did not want the new submarine. I asked God, “What do we do?” and He replied, “A time of dryness is needed.”

The last thing I remember was asking for it to be reassigned

In all these ships I steer and control, I also seem to know how to operate them. Simply put, I just seem to have that ability. I also seem to understand relevant issues. The solutions come, but are not always immediately obvious. It’s God’s grace here, not me.

—✦—

The Blabber-Mouth Blessing

Once, while dealing with demons, I got creative and came up with my own solution. I imparted what I called a blabber-mouth blessing. It was designed to force a demon—in this case, their second-in-command— to uncontrollably blabber their entire plans. Which it did.

They went to God and told Him what I had done. I later realised God was using them to show me where He had been, and where he needed to be in my life.

When God told me to remove the blabber-mouth blessing, I initially got angry. “Why am I a leader then?” I asked. I realised I was doing it in my own strength. My leadership was not about me at all—it was about letting Jesus do it in and through me.

At that time, the demons had done away with the position, and that was how they had gotten around it. The lesson I learned through this was profound: they can deal with what I do, but not with what God does.

—✦—

Reflection

There are times when God’s teaching feels like correction, and times when correction feels like grace. Every ship, every rank, every test has been a reflection of what God was forming within me—trust, humility, and reliance on His Spirit rather than my own will.

Leadership, in the Kingdom of God, is never ownership—it is stewardship. I have learned that every vessel I touch, every mission I undertake, and every gift entrusted to me must ultimately be returned to His care.

God’s grace does not remove responsibility; it perfects it through surrender. 

My Gender War – Who Sinned?

Reflection

In John 9, the disciples assumed that suffering must always be the result of sin — yet Jesus turned that belief on its head. He revealed that sometimes, what seems like brokenness is the very place where God’s glory is waiting to shine.
The man’s blindness was not punishment but purpose. Likewise, the complexities of identity and the pain of not fitting into others’ expectations are not marks of guilt or divine anger.
They are spaces where God invites transformation — where He reachesinto the dust of our humanity, touches it with His love, and brings forth something new.
God’s healing is not always instant or visible. Sometimes, it unfolds slowly — like the man’s gradual awakening to light. In the same way, I am learning to see with spiritual eyes, to trust that God is revealing His work in me, even when clarity comes in stages.
Through my questions, my identity, and my journey of faith, I have come to see that being transgender is not the absence of God’s design but a deeper encounter with His mystery. My life, like the man’s sight, becomes a testimony: that in everything, God can make His glory known.

Scripture

“Jesus answered, ‘His blindness has nothing to do with his sins or his parents’ sins. He is blind so that God’s power might be seen at work in him.’” — John 9:3 (GNT)

“Now we see only a dim likeness of things; it is as if we were seeing them in a mirror that is not clear. But then we shall see face-to-face.” — 1 Corinthians 13:12 (GNT

The Interior castle when your transgendered

Introduction

God is a God of the big picture and details at the same time. He is able to work in and with both at the same time. Nothing escapes him and nothing is beyond him. He is able to use all things for his glory. 

As I journeyed through my own interior castle, transitioning and being transgendered was and is an aspect of my journey. It was through Jesus working with me, healing me and giving me the courage to make the decisions I needed to. A part of this journey is about learning and discovering who I am in God, and the fact that he understands, knows and loves me with this issues I have. 

I have always had issues with my gender identity. As he has a shown me, God has always been there for me, even when I didn’t know or realise it. 

This journey took the better part of forty years. Although I could also say it took my entire life. 

There is so much I could say and/or write about this journey. It is a journey of healing, discovery, learning, revelation, understanding, teaching and training me, and many other things. It is also ongoing. 

One aspect of my journey was, I only ever knew which mansion I was in. I never saw a layout or floor plan of each mansion. Occasionally I would be granted visions of rooms, corridors etc of where I was. But never how for I had either come or how far I had to go to reach then next mansion. 

Journeying through the mansion(s) is a journey of discovery, learning about one’s self, God and growing in relationship with Jesus. There is so much more that is accomplished through this journey. Growing in prayer, faith, belief, spiritual understanding etc and that God knows me and the gifts that he has given to me and that expects me to use them. 

Healing and revelation are also a part of this journey. About myself, how God sees and knows me. The depth of his love for me. How he can work with what life has created. In this case my transgendered identity and my decision to transition. 

‘Gods word is a light unto my feet and a light for my path’. PS119:105

My Heavenly Father knows me intimately, he continues to show me this fact. He knows me and all my issues, nothing can be hidden from him. 

I have seen and heard him defend me, he has also stood up to me. For that I am grateful. I have had him answer questions before I asked them. 

In the early part of my faith journey I was unaware of the castle. It was during my theology degree when I was first introduced to St. Teresa of Avila, her writings and teachings. After this is when things started to move. The first time I was aware of anything happening, was when I was near the end of the first dark night. 

Another blessing I experienced was what is called a favour. In this case it is called ‘the prayer of union’.  This happened twice over two consecutive Sundays. At the time I had no idea as to what had happened or what it was. It wasn’t unit years later while I was reading through one of St. Teresa of Avilas writings that I realised what it was that I experienced that night. 

In looking back I also now believe God was laying foundations in me and preparing me for what was to come. My issues and reluctance with the gift of leadership, is one example that comes to mind here. 

From memory it looks like the first dark night started when I started transitioning, that was in October 2010. That part lasted for about seven years. 

At one point I saw and felt my self carried across a threshold into another mansion.

Another of my gifts is Leadership. This is a gift I did not want, I had no intention of embracing, owning or using this Gift. 

Then God the Father came along and stood up to me. Over the next thirty years or thereabouts, I ended up embracing, owning and using this gift. He confronted me in my fears, anxieties, denial and trust issues. Through this process he was healing and continues to heal me. 

I was told I needed to have this out with God and know I wasn’t going to win. Which is exactly what happened. 

In the end I am a better daughter for having God stand up to me the way that he did. 

Another area has been trust issues with me. This issue directly relates to the loss of my twin brother in utero. Jesus has had to completely rebuild me here. 

One of the main issues here has been with a profound sense of grief and survivor guilt. 

One way he ministered to me, I had a serious work accident and needed dental work done.  I asked the Father, ‘Why don’t you heal this?’,

He replied, ‘Because you need to learn how to trust’.

After that another tooth started to play up. God then acted and healed me. I have had no more dental trouble from this accident. 

Whilst studying we discussed the man born blind and the apostles question and Jesus’ subsequent answer. Through this and my reflecting on my own experiences, I started to understand God does not cause suffering or give me issues that lead to suffering. 

However he knows what and when things will happen and it is within his power to use, heal, teach and deal with (etc), the issues. 

He also got into my spiritual past, which in my case is Jewish. I was shown if I had been alive in Jesus time, I would have been a member of the Jewish Sanhedrin as a teacher of the law. 

We dealt with all the issues as well. Along the way I learned about my past, history, how God knows, sees and loves me. All the time he was, healing, teaching and deepening me in him. 

I am now a New Testament daughter. The old testament covenant no longer applies to me. I am saved by grace not the law. Jesus completed this on the cross. Jesus is both King and High priest. 

My gender identity issues have been a significant life long struggle. The cost for me has been painful, high, debilitating and ongoing. Ignorance is a constant problem and threat no matter where it comes from. 

Without Jesus and Mother Mary’s help, prayers and input I very much doubt I would be where I am today. 

Some of the healings have come through Jesus and dealing with the issues that surround my gender battles. For example, anxiety, fears, need for love, understanding and acceptance. Revealing to me, that he loves, knows me and has my back and that I can trust him. 

He has been loving, patient and very helpful for me. The words of wisdom he has spoken into me have made significant differences for the better in me. 

Teaching and showing me I don’t have to own other people’s opinions. If I choose to own them that is what I bring to him. 

He also told me, to be happy with myself as a I am. This word for me is about, don’t get caught up in a desire and/or need for constant surgeries for myself. Do what I have to do, but don’t get carried away. God understands and loves me as I am. 

When he revealed to me my name Stacy came from him. He was telling me that he knew me, he had a plan for my life post transition, and both understood  the what and why I did what I did, and was ready for me when I made this change. 

Things I both felt and experienced when I was younger, then began to fall into place. My call to consecrated life opened up, and I now understand it is Stacy’s call. 

While the ignorance of others has created issues and problems, knowing that God understands me and has my back is why I am able to stand up to it. 

At one point while I was in mansion four, I asked Jesus how did I get here? He told me when I went to my prayer time, I was working my way through the early mansions. 

As St. Teresa writes, prayer is the entry to the mansions. 

Revelations and healings have come/happened gradually, with the occasional  ‘sovereign sign’ from Jesus. The physical healing is of my epilepsy is one such sign. 

When Jesus started here I was taking 2500mg of Epilim and 600mg of Tegretol a day. Over a period of about five years or so, Jesus gradually got me down to 600mg of Epilim a day. 

Through a counsellor he revealed the cause of my epilepsy, that being a forceps injury to my right temporal lobe during my birthing process. Through the laying on of hands, I felt him touch and heal this area in my head. I then knew in my self it had been completely healed, and I would have no further issues here.

The healing from my SRA (Satanic Ritual Abuse) issues and involvement is another one. I do not know when I actually first got involved. 

It was God the Father who put a stop to it. I was accessed by someone while shopping one Friday night. What I understand happened, while I was disassociated it was God the Father who spoke through me. After that the whole thing stopped on the spot. While I don’t know what the Father actually said that night. I believe God put the fear of God in who was present that night. I saw a demon of fear enter these people that night as a result of what God said. 

God has also used this journey to start the healing, teaching, and revealing my gifts, talents and charisms. 

God uses the circumstances and issues in my life to heal me and call me on as well.  He can and does work in multiple levels and areas in me. Sometimes I have become aware of healings after they have happened. 

Vermin

My working definition here is, anything that takes away my attention away, distracts or otherwise causes me to look elsewhere other than to Jesus, his love, presence, trust, healing, etc for me. 

The job of the other lot (demons) is to distract me from Jesus and get me to look anywhere but Jesus. God uses them to show me when he has been and where he needs to be in my life. 

Becoming Stacy

This part of my journey has been life long, extremely arduous, difficult and involves two breakdowns. 

Ultimately it is because God was there for me, that I can write this now. 

Six months after I started transitioning, I asked him , ‘Where do I stand with you, on decision to transition?

When I heard my Father say, ‘Have the courage to back the decision you have made’. Things began to change. After that I was in Spiritual direction, the Father again confirmed what I had previously heard. 

I honestly thought I would be back at school about to get punished for what I had done. Anxiety, fear and legalism were all significant issues for me.

From that moment on I started to realised I no longer had to look back, as God was guarding me. 

Words of wisdom from him have helped as well. One such word was, be happy with yourself as you are. This word told me I dont have to go chasing constant surgeries for my self as Stacy. Do what I have to do, but don’t overdo it. 

The other area has been with the opinions of others. They are allowed to have an opinion. But I do not have to own their opinions. If I find myself owning someone else’s opinion, then that is what I bring to Jesus. 

Ultimately it about knowing God both understands me and has my back, it’s learning to trust him even when my back is up against the wall. 

My name Stacy comes from God. I never had to choose my name. It has always been Stacy. 

Being outed is never a nice experience. It was through one such episode where God revealed to me, my name Stacy was his name for me. I also realised I have always been Stacy. God helped me discover my true self in him. 

Reflecting upon this I see, God knew me, he knew I would choose to transition and was ready and waiting for me when I did. 

For the transgendered, I believe we need to seek God and ask him how he sees us. For me it has been through the interior castle.  

In images God has granted me I have always seen myself as a daughter of God. 

Knowing that God understands me as his daughter is why I can do what I do. 

These days I believe we all have an identity in God. We can ask him to reveal it to us, or we can choose one for ourselves. It can work either way. 

As an intercessor I have met souls on the other side who either have no name or their name is not what they want to be in God.

I give them permission in Jesus’ name to find their true name, identity and gifts and talents in Jesus. 

One needs to sit with and seek God here, invite him into our lives and wait upon him. 

My Consecration Call

I have always had a sense of a call on my life here. It was not until I had been through my second puberty that I was able to start serious discernment of it. 

For me God always knows, he misses nothing. He works with me where I am at. In the present moment. He is a God of today. He gives us what we need when we need it. The trick is being open to what he says, when he says it. While his voice can change the message never will. He has spoken to me internally, externally and through other people and situations. 

As I journeyed through the castle of my own heart, his voice changed as he went deeper. At times it got softer and harder to hear. But he is always there. 

It reminds me of when Elijah recognised God in the gentle breeze.

Discernment is needed as well, sometimes the voice can be me, the enemy or outside voices. As one gets to know the voice of the King, you learn to distinguish his voice from the noise that can surround it. 

I was in first grade at school when I first experienced what I now know was a call to consecrated life. 

I had been given a present, I give it away to someone in my class at school. When I gave it away I felt a sense of detachment in being able to give it away. 

Mum asked what I had done with it. She had a severe overreaction to what I did. She demanded I ask for it back and did not back off till I did. Dad also came in the scene and took mums side in what was happening. In the end I got backed into a corner and had to ask for it back  

She told me I was naughty and it was wrong of me to give it away. Also I should never do something like that again. It hurt me spiritually to have to ask for it back. 

This was not the only time mum had issues with me here. Years later, Jesus told me, she got threatened when it came out in me. 

I never received any understanding of what was going with my call before my transition. I could only feel and sense that I had a call. 

In 1991 I did a consecrated life weekend and came away with a definite call to marriage. 

There was no explanation given either. I just knew marriage was the call that I received. 

Over the next two years or so my fiancée and I discerned our marriage call, got married and became parents to our son. 

During these two years I also experienced what is known as ‘favours’ from God’. 

Looking back I can say with confidence that the favours were Carmelite, St. Teresa of Avila talks about them in her writings. 

While my wife was pregnant with our son. We went to mass one night, this night I felt the call at the start of the mass. As I went to communion that night I felt it lift off me. I knew Jesus had done this. Again there was no explanation either. 

In time my marriage broke down and ended in divorce and annulment by the Catholic Church. 

Towards the end of my marriage God started healing, teaching and training me. God started the process here through a counsellor who told us we were victims of Satanic Ritual Abuse (SRA). 

Another thing Jesus started here was a spiritual clean out my Jewish spiritual past. 

I started transitioning in October 2010 my second puberty lasted about four and half years. 

In March 2015 my call to consecrated life returned. This time I was able to start serious discernment of it. 

At one point I heard the Father ask me to discern a name for myself as a nun. Initially I wanted to choose Anastasia. I didn’t want to stray too far from Stacy on case it stirred the pot internally with me. I was online one night looking at names. I came across the name Scholastica and it simply stuck. St. Teresa of Avila has been a guide for me. I chose my second name Teresa to honour her. 

In August 2015 I had the word Postulancy spoken over me in the spirit. It took me a couple of days to understand what had happened. 

When God does things like this they just happen, I end up having to play catch up and discover what has happened. 

My betrothal to Jesus is another one where this happened. Looking back the two weeks leading up to it were extremely intense. It took me about a week to figure out what had happened. After that things got moving again. 

The other lot

No work can be complete without mentioning demons. They are real and evil. 

In ministry I am always filled with hope. It is something that Jesus has given to me. 

With demons there is no hope. They are completely evil. There is absolutely no hope for them. They have no moral compass or conscience. Nothing is beyond them. Their ultimate destination is the lake of eternal fire that never goes out. 

They are masters at operating in the grey, also lying, deception and twisting the truth etc. For me, there are times when I find my self stunned at the absolute level of their evil. At times I think it is close to beyond me to understand how completely evil that they are. 

The less time one spends in their presence the better. 

We cannot hide ourselves spiritually. It is profoundly delusional to think we can hide anything here. We are all transparent in the spiritual life. This is true for us with God as well as them. 

Demons know our weaknesses and strengths. Their one goal is out our eternal destruction. 

They are capable of telling the truth when it suits them to do so, or when God orders them to do so. However when they do, one generally misses it due to the fact that they lie so much. 

For them the truth can be used as a tool for their own evil purposes. 

God uses them to heal us, and also to show us where he has been and needs to be in our lives. See my article called, ‘Jesus the divine gardener’. 

We must always rely on Jesus and his cross here. They cannot hide from him, they cannot overcome the cross. The cross has throughly defeated them, and all their evil works. Ultimately God uses them to serve his holy purposes. 

One mistake I made. When I was arguing about and trying to get out of my leadership. A demon stated, ‘There are ways and means’. 

Initially I thought nothing of it. That changed when I was in the Fathers presence. 

At the time I had no intention of owning this gift. It’s why I got the call on my life. The Father and Jesus both told me, ‘The ones who have it, and don’t want it, are the ones who get it’. 

When I stated what I had heard to the Father, he replied, ‘It’s yes or no’. After the third attempt I realised what I had done. I owned what I had done before the Father. The lesson, be careful and don’t do that again. 

It is an easy mistake to make, especially when one is struggling with issues, gifts and the call that has been placed on my life. 

Always look to God, his love, truth and bring everything into the light of his holy presence. 

While God knows all, he will always wait and long for us to come to him. 

The other lesson which I continue to learn through all this, is I have to choose to bring my pain, issues and emotions to God. 

He has taught me not to let my emotions, pain and issues run the show. With his grace I am learning to bring my pain, emotions and issues to him rather than letting them run the show. 

Appendix

PRAYER OF UNION

A most intimate union of the soul with God, accompanied by a certitude of his presence within the soul and a suspension of all interior faculties. With this prayer there is an absence of distractions because the soul is entirely absorbed in God. There is no fatigue, no matter how long the union may last, because no personal effort is involved, but rather an extraordinary experience of joy. The soul is left with an ardent zeal to glorify God; complete detachment from all created things; perfectionism submission to God's will; and great charity for one's neighbour  

 Vermin

St. Teresa of Avila described hell as a low, dark, narrow, and foul-smelling place "covered with loathsome vermin" in her vision of the infernal regions, though she also used the term "vermin" metaphorically to describe souls "crippled" and entangled by their involvement in "external matters" and worldly distractions, to the point where they can no longer turn their thoughts to God. 

Literal Vermin in Hell 

• In her vision of hell, St. Teresa described the conditions as a "long narrow pass, like a furnace, very low, dark, and close".
• The ground was "saturated with water, mere mud, exceedingly foul, sending forth pestilential odors, and covered with loathsome vermin".
• She also noted the presence of "wicked-looking reptiles" in the mud.

Metaphorical Vermin 

• St. Teresa uses the image of souls as being "accustomed to dealing always with the insects and vermin that are in the wall surrounding the castle".
• These "vermin" represent external, worldly matters and concerns that consume the souls of people who do not engage in prayer and reflection.
• By being too involved with these distractions, souls become "crippled," unable to turn inward to their deeper spiritual nature or to God, and are at risk of becoming like the very vermin they are accustomed to.

Broader Spiritual Context

• The vision of hell served St. Teresa as a profound spiritual lesson, removing her fear of earthly suffering and motivating her to pray for the souls of others who might face such torment. 
• For St. Teresa, prayer was the "door of entry to this castle" (referring to the inner castle of the soul where God can be found), and the practice of prayer was essential to avoid becoming enslaved by the spiritual "vermin" of worldly attachments. 

The Thread of Divine Preparation

02/11/2025

God has been shaping me in ways I could not have understood at the time. Long before I fully grasped my vocation, He gave me experiences that marked my soul and anchored my identity in Him.

As a young adult, I received the Prayer of Union — first unexpectedly, overwhelmingly, and completely, and then gently confirmed a week later. In those moments, love was infused into every fiber of my being. I had no words to describe it, and I did not know the Carmelite language for what I experienced.

Yet even without understanding, I knew — profoundly — that God’s love had claimed me. Those early experiences were not fleeting. Years later, during spiritual direction, I felt the grace again — not as an intense mystical event, but as something “filed” in my heart, a permanent imprint of God’s love and faithfulness.

These graces shaped my approach to intercession, which God confirmed through my children in Heaven and through intimate, ongoing encounters. I learned that intercession is not a solo endeavor. It is a vocation shared between Heaven and Earth, where our prayers carry the intentions of others and invite their prayers to flow alongside ours. One of my brothers in Heaven once said to me: “When you don’t pray, I can’t pray.”

This was not a rebuke; it was revelation. Certain graces and petitions are linked — my obedience to prayer allows others to participate, to carry their part of the load.  

God has taught me that He not only hears my prayers, but looks forward to them, misses them when they are absent, and rejoices in my voice. 

Once, in a mystical moment, He even showed me this by “sniffing” my prayers — a playful, intimate confirmation that my prayers matter, not to earn His love, but  because He desires my heart in relationship.

Through all of this, I have come to understand that my vocation, my intercessory calling, is not merely about responding to a call I once resisted. It is about faithfulness born of love, shaped through experiences that stretch across decades: the Prayer of Union, the grace filed in my heart, the lessons

God taught me about indifference and persistence, and the shared vocation with others in Heaven.

All of these experiences are part of a single, unbroken thread: God preparing me to know, beyond all doubt, that I am loved, that my prayers matter, and that my vocation is real. Even when the Church disappointed me, even when my past pain tempted me toward indifference, He ensured that my relationship with Him remained unshakable. 

This is the foundation on which my life of intercession is built: not on perfection, not on my strength but on His enduring love, shaping and sustaining me through every stage of the journey

Dealing with gender issues

Learning to recognise, understand and deal with gender issues when they appear.  There is no hard and fast rule here. Understanding what is going on is a critical step in coming to terms with it. This is true for all, not the one who has the issue. Support and understanding are crucial here. 

Learning to accept that ignorance and fear exist and that others will be ignorant and fearful. As a transgendered person I have had my own fears and ignorance issues to deal with, learn about and let go of. 

Getting a correct medical diagnosis can be a long, painful and slow process as well. This can be compounded by ignorance (where present) of the person or persons involved. This can include finding someone who is open to walking with me, but who can be objective as well. Building and maintaining that trust is central here. It is the basis of any relationship. 

Religion can be and is used as a weapon here. The rule here is they are allowed to have an opinion but I do not have to own their opinion. 

Ignorance can be perceived, actual, known, unknown, internal and external or combinations of all or some. It can come in many forms, threats, controlling behaviour and blackmail to name a couple. It can be individually or in groups. Being open or close minded as well as being informed or uninformed about the issue(s) here can make a difference to understanding as to what has and what needs to happen.  

Black and white thinking along with fundamentalist ideologies and rigid thinking are also part of the journey. Extremist views are in the bounds of professional ignorance•. This view believes it is ok to murder people (or undo transitions) for being different and will justify it as being okay and acceptable.

Part of this theology includes God makes male and female only. It completely ignores that variants exist and are allowed to happen. At times it excludes (or attempts to) them from the conversation.  

All this can and does influence the decision about proceeding and where and how to proceed.

Sometimes people here may have there own issues as well. One way this comes across here, people can be extremely rigid, demanding that I adhere to what they and only what they are saying. Using any circumstances twisted to their view to ram home their way as being the only way. 

People like this are usually in abject denial. At times they will likely never be able admit let alone understand or accept that they themselves may have an issue. 

This view is evil, wrong, fundamentalist and ungodly.

We can be really good at hiding our issues from ourselves. It is also delusional thinking to believe we can hide anything from Jesus. There is no darkness to dark for God, no hole or pit to deep, that his grace cannot to see into or reach down into and lift us out of.

Recognising that they may or may not have an issue here ultimately is their problem. Sometimes the best and only thing to do is to walk away and leave them to themselves. 

If they choose denial they are allowed to. However, I do not have to support them, this is that persons journey not mine. I am not responsible for their decisions, they are. 

Manipulation can be and at times is a weapon here. Recognising it and choosing not to take it on is critical here. When this happens it is about the other party, this is their issue. 

For me bringing Jesus into the conversation made an incredible difference. He did not judge me. He understood my issue. He left the decisions to me. He works with where I am at. He will never impose his will on me. He lets me know when I go to far or overstep the mark. His love for me is a constant that never changes. 

For me the point of no return happened when I had had enough of my internal struggle and pain. I simply now refuse to live like that any more. When I made that decision I found God was ready and waiting for me. 

Post transition the biggest initial issue was trusting the decision I had made. An issue with my Christianity has been legalism. My parents were from a generation where pray, pay and obey spirituality was the way that they were raised. For me this legalistic framework was not freeing. It had a tendency to feel like I had to do this, and I have to do that etc.

When my Heavenly Father told me to, ‘Have the courage to back the decision I had made.’ Everything began to change after that. My heavenly Father was telling me he had my back. He understood what I had done. 

Learning to trust the decision that has been made is critical to moving on. Even when the sheer ugliness of ignorance and denial have been shoved in my face. Knowing God has my back is why I can standup up to it. 

Another piece here is not to be reckless about it. Asking for help when things show signs of going wrong. Being able to recognise when my fragility needs support. Not walking my life alone. 

•footnote: Professional ignorance is a conscious choice with the mind and the will and no impediment. It is a conscious and wilful choice to be close minded and ignorant. It disregards and devalues all lives regardless of the issues that they have. This includes sex and gender diverse people. It is within the bounds of Mortal sin.

The Reluctant Admiral

by Scholastica Teresa

My Heavenly Father,

When You first spoke of leadership, I shied away. I did not want to be seen, to be followed, or to carry responsibility. I had spent so long just trying to stay afloat that the idea of leading others felt like a burden I could not bear. 

After one encounter I heard You state softly but firmly, “So, you didn't want to be a leader?” It wasn’t accusation—it was invitation.

A question that pierced deeper than I expected. At that moment, I realised You were not trying to assign me a title. You were trying to awaken something within me—something You had already placed there long ago.

You showed me the ships You had entrusted to my care, the ones already sailing beneath Your command: vessels of mercy, faith, and trustworthiness. You reminded me how You had guided me through every storm, teaching me the currents of grace and the winds of discernment.

And then You showed me so clearly: “Look what you’ve done with what I’ve given you. I know what you are capable of. You just need to trust Me.”

In that moment, my reluctance met Your reassurance. I began to see that leadership in Your Kingdom is not aboutpower or position. It is about listening, guiding, and carrying others safely through the waves.

You did not make me an admiral to command fleets, but to love them—to ensure they reach home. You gave me authority not as a crown, but as a compass.

In the end, I realised there was no use resisting You, Lord. I wasn’t going to win—and I didn’t need to. So I simply got on with it, trusting that You knew exactly what You were doing all along.

Amen

The Revelation: Facing the Depths and Seeing God

“Even in the face of darkness, nothing escapes His gaze.”

Introduction to The Revelation

There are moments in life when the veil between what is seen and unseen feels impossibly thin. In my journey, I have faced such moments — encounters with darkness¹, with the subtle and the stark forces that move unseen in the world. These experiences shaped my understanding of truth, evil, and God’s unyielding presence.

The Revelation is my witness to what I have endured and learned: the absoluteness of evil², the unwavering gaze of God³, and the redemption that rises even in the midst of terror. It is here that I lay bare what was hidden, reflect on what has been revealed, and surrender all to the One who sees everything, misses nothing⁴, and holds all in mercy.

Framing the Encounter

There are moments when the darkness¹ reveals itself so fully that the human mind recoils. I have seen such things — the depths of malice, the cleverness of lies, the coldness of forces that exist only to destroy. It is overwhelming, terrifying, and almost impossible to comprehend. Yet even in that exposure, I have learned a vital truth: God sees everything³. Nothing escapes His notice, and nothing escapes His care. In the midst of horror, His gaze holds, steadies, and redeems. What follows is my lament, my reflection, and my prayer — a witness to the stark reality of evil² and the unshakable constancy of God’s justice and mercy.

The Gall of the Enemy

I saw the lengths to which evil² would go,
and I was stunned.
No limit, no boundary, no line left uncrossed.
Every sacred thing defiled,
every innocence hunted.

And in that glimpse, I saw the truth —
I will never understand the absoluteness of their evil².
My humanity recoils; my spirit trembles.
I am too small to comprehend what has no mercy.

But You, O God³,
You see it all.
You miss nothing⁴.
And though I cannot grasp the darkness²,
I rest in the One who exposes it.
You are the line that cannot be crossed.
You are the boundary of justice,
the end of all their schemes.

Let my eyes see only as much as my soul can bear,
and let the rest remain hidden in Your mercy.

(Transition to reflection)
From the shock of what I have witnessed rises a realization that begins to soothe the raw edges of my fear: God misses nothing⁴. What I cannot comprehend, He fully sees³, and in that seeing, there is mercy.

Reflection — God Misses Nothing

There was a time when that thought terrified me.
If God misses nothing⁴, then He saw it all — every lie, every assault, every distortion that the enemy² wove.
He saw what I could not stop, and what I did not understand.
He saw my confusion and my anger,
my desperate effort to do the right thing when the ground beneath me was lies and ashes.

Now, that same truth has become my refuge.
God misses nothing⁴ — not the smallest act of cruelty,
not the faintest cry of a wounded child,
not the hidden tears I thought no one saw.

He misses nothing in the darkness²,
but He also misses nothing in the light³.
He sees the growth of trust,
the softening of a heart that should have hardened,
the courage to keep saying yes even when understanding is still far away.

The gall of the enemy² no longer astonishes me as much as the faithfulness of God³ does.
Because even when evil acted with boldness²,
God was already at work with quiet authority³.
He saw, and in seeing, He began to redeem.

(Transition to prayer)
And now, in the calm that follows this reflection, I lift my voice in surrender, placing both the horror I have seen² and the mercy I have received³ into God’s hands.

Prayer — You See, O God

You see, O God³ —
what I could not bear to see²,
what I could not change,
what I could not stop.

You saw me when the night was long
and when my heart was torn in two.
You saw the truth beneath the lies²,
and You never turned away.

You miss nothing⁴,
not the smallest flicker of pain,
nor the trembling hope that still dares to rise within me.
You see my children⁵, Joshua, Nathanial, and Tobias,
and hold them safe in Your sight,
untouched by what I could not control.

Teach me to rest in Your seeing³ —
to trust that what You have seen,
You are already healing.

Let Your gaze cleanse what is unclean²,
restore what is broken,
and bring to light what still hides in shadow³.

You are my justice and my mercy³.
You are the One who misses nothing⁴
and forgets nothing that love has claimed.

Amen.

Footnotes / Side Comments

1. Satanic or demonic activity – While I describe encounters with evil forces, these experiences are framed within my personal faith perspective. In spiritual terms, demons are understood as fallen beings who act to deceive, destroy, and oppose God’s work.
2. The absoluteness of evil – Descriptions of evil in this section reflect personal experience and trauma. Evil can appear boundless, but it is always limited by God’s sovereignty.
3. God’s omniscience and care – God sees all events, intentions, and hidden realities. This awareness is both a comfort and a source of trust, reminding us that nothing is beyond His oversight.
4. God misses nothing – A phrase emphasizing that God perceives all and acts with mercy and justice. It is central to trusting Him in the face of incomprehensible evil.
5. Intercession for some of my children – References to Joshua, Nathanial, and Tobias acknowledge ongoing spiritual intercession and the protective care God provides them.

The Name He Gave me. 

My loving Heavenly Father, 
how many times have I wounded myself with names You never spoke?

Each mistake, each failure, I marked with shame — I called myself Philistine, a stranger to Your covenant, a rebel unworthy of love.

But You came — suddenly, fiercely gentle — and took me back through the story.

You showed me David, and the giant that mocked Your name.

You let me see how the Philistines knew of You, but refused to bow, and that it broke Your heart.

Then You turned to me, and Your words pierced like light:

“Do you think it’s wise, My child, to call yourself that name, after a people who incensed Me?”

I froze. My tongue, that had so easily cursed me, fell silent in Your presence.

I saw the grief in Your eyes — not anger, but sorrow, that I had sided with my accuser.

And then You spoke again, softly, as only a Father can:

“Your name is not rejection, nor enemy, nor mistake. Your name is Stacy — and it comes from Me.”

You named me in Your tenderness, and everything in me stilled.

For the first time I understood that my name is a promise, not a punishment — a word born of love, spoken from Your own heart.

Reflection — The Restoration of a Name

When God names us, He restores us.

In this prayer encounter, the Father revealed the sacred power of identity — not as something we invent, but as something received from Him. Self-condemnation had chained the heart to a false name, a story rooted in guilt and rejection.
But God’s correction came not as wrath, but as revelation. He reminded His beloved that names carry alignment — to call oneself “Philistine” was to agree with distance; to accept Stacy was to agree with belonging.

This moment shows the tenderness of divine authority. The Father doesn’t simply forbid self-hatred — He replaces it with truth. “Your name comes from Me” is a declaration of inheritance. It means that the one who once spoke curses over herself now carries the echo of the divine Name, a mark of love and kinship.

To accept the name He gives is to consent to healing. In doing so, the soul is rejoined to its covenant source — no longer identifying with rejection, but with the One who speaks life.

“Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name—you are mine.”

— Isaiah 43:1 (GNT

When God created Adam and Eve, He built procreation into creation itself. In doing so, He entrusted humanity with a real role in bringing life into the world. God knits the immortal soul together, humanity knits the human together, cooperating with God in the creation of life. 

Because we live in a world that is now wounded by the Fall, that process does not always unfold in perfect harmony. Our bodies, identities, and experiences can bear the marks of that woundedness. God does not cause this brokenness, but in His permissive will, He allows human freedom and the reality of a fallen world to play out. Yet He is always present within it, working to redeem, heal, and fulfill His good purposes in every human life.

In my own life, as a transgendered person, I have seen this truth firsthand. God works within the reality of my experience. He is not making me male or female against who I am, nor is He calling me to erase my identity. Instead, He works within the framework of brokenness and complexity — using it, redeeming it, and shaping it for His purposes. What the world or others might see as a ‘problem’ or a ‘wound,’ God can use to bring healing to me and to touch the lives of others.

Even though I chose to live as a female, I believe that if I had chosen to live as a male, God would have blessed that choice too. He knew what I would choose, yet He works toward good in all things. My free will is real, and within the framework of His permissive will, it always has a role in shaping my life. God honors the choices I make while guiding me toward His purposes.

Brokenness is real, and freedom carries risk, but nothing is outside God’s providence or beyond His ability to redeem. What God does not will, He nevertheless works within — transforming woundedness toward His good and holy purposes. My life is not a mistake, my story is not outside God’s plan, and every mark of brokenness is an opportunity for God’s love and redemption to be revealed.

“God does not erase our experience or identity; He works within it, redeeming what is wounded and using it for good.”

Purgatory

by Scholastica Teresa

Purgatory is a time of purgation ̶ a cleansing of the soul so that one may stand in the radiant presence of God. To enter purgatory is to have one’s eternal salvation assured. Yet it is also a time of atonement ̶ of purification from the temporal effects of sin. Sin is intangible, yet it stains the soul. It cannot exist on its own; it is born from humanity’s choice to rebel against the holy love of God. Only by allowing ourselves to be cleansed in the Blood of the Lamb can we be made pure again.

Level One

I saw a circular well ̶ its outer rim made of stone. Beneath the top edge was a blue barrier, glowing softly, keeping all within its bounds. At the bottom, two tridents moved rhythmically, sliding in and out of view. When I beheld this place, I was looking down into it from above ̶ a place of enclosure and restraint.

Level Two

I saw another place ̶ a circular tube, either with flat ends or shaped like a cone. It seemed to open and close at both ends. This time, I saw it from the side.
Though I witnessed these first two levels separately, I sensed that many of these structures exist side by side, as if part of a vast system of purification.

Level Three

A great and endless field of molten lava stretched before me. I have only ever seen this place from above ̶ its fiery expanse speaking of deep purification through suffering and fire.

Level Four

A place of great darkness ̶ a realm of solitude, filled with what appeared to be individual caves or cells. I walked there with someone beside me. Looking down, I saw into one of the caves ̶ a dwelling of isolation, yet still within God’s mercy.

Cold Purgatory

There is also a purgatory of cold ̶ a place for souls whose love for God grew cold during their earthly life. This realm has both indoor and outdoor places, including individual rooms. I saw snow covering everything ̶ a silence heavy and pure. There was a man there, ice clinging to his shoulders. The ice was heavy and burdensome, symbolizing the degree of spiritual coldness his soul carried at death. The journey here is one of rekindling ̶ to grow warm again in the fire of divine love.

Reflection

I once read a story about Padre Pio. While walking through a monastery, he encountered a deceased brother who was sweeping the floor. When Padre Pio asked what he was doing, the brother replied, “I did not do my chores properly when I was alive. Now I must.” This story reveals two truths: 1. God misses nothing. 2. Purgatory is perfectly suited to each soul’s purification ̶ a place where love heals every forgotten act, and every lack is made whole. 

Definition: Professional ignorance is the deliberate refusal, made with full awareness and freedom, to know or to understand truth when that truth demands moral or compassionate response. It is a willful closing of the mind and heart that disregards the dignity of others — including those who are sex and gender diverse — and as such, it stands within the bounds of mortal sin

 Professional Ignorance: A Willful Sin Against Dignity and Love

When I think about the harm that happens to transgender people — or anyone who faces discrimination, violence, or even death because of their identity — I can’t help but recognize the deeper, more insidious force behind it: professional ignorance.

This isn't merely a matter of ignorance in the conventional sense, a simple lack of knowledge. No, professional ignorance is a conscious, deliberate choice. It is a choice to remain blind to the truth of a person’s humanity, to disregard their dignity, to shut out the possibility of understanding, and to willfully devalue their existence. It is to ignore the basic right of every individual to be treated with respect, especially those who are marginalized.

When I see the loss of life, the violence, the suffering, and the spiritual alienation that comes with it, I am struck by the fact that this is not merely the result of happenstance. It is willful, intentional ignorance. It is a rejection of God's love for all people — and it is sin.

Jesus has made it clear to me that this kind of ignorance is not passive; it is mortal sin. This is not just a failure to understand, but an active decision to turn away from the truth and from love itself. When people reject the dignity of transgender individuals — or anyone, really — they are not merely committing a social wrong. They are committing a profound spiritual error, one that severs their relationship with God. It is a choice to ignore God’s image in others, to ignore the truth that He has created every soul with love and purpose.

In the cases of violence, discrimination, and death — particularly within the transgender community — this ignorance is not just external, but systemic. It is embedded in policies, in attitudes, in professional spaces, in healthcare systems, and in churches. The dehumanization and neglect of transgender people is not an accident. It is the result of a choice — a choice to disregard their humanity. It is a sin that echoes through society and, when unchecked, destroys lives and communities.

We must be careful not to dismiss this as mere misunderstanding or difference of opinion. It is willful blindness, and it carries consequences that reach far beyond the physical realm. Jesus has shown me that we cannot afford to let this go unnoticed. We must recognize that professional ignorance, especially when it leads to harm, is a spiritual sin. It is not just wrong in a worldly sense — it is a sin against God’s created order, a rejection of the love that God intends for all people.

In my own walk with God, He has shown me that nothing escapes His gaze. He sees all, even the smallest acts of injustice, even the ones that seem invisible. God misses nothing, and He is calling us to see as He sees — to acknowledge the dignity of every person, to reject the willful ignorance that leads to harm, and to embrace the fullness of His love.

This is why professional ignorance can no longer be ignored. It is not just an error in judgment; it is a rejection of God’s law of love. And to remain in this ignorance is to risk losing the very relationship with God that we are all called to. But there is hope — because God’s mercy is greater than any sin, and He is always ready to heal those who are willing to acknowledge the truth and seek His forgiveness

The Man Born Blind – John 9:1–6
A Reflection by Scholastica Teresa

In John 9:1–6, Jesus and His disciples encounter a man born blind. The disciples ask Jesus whether the man’s blindness was caused by his own sin or that of his parents. This question reflects the Old Testament belief that God punished people for their sins by bringing suffering or calamity upon them. But Jesus’ response reshapes this view completely. He declares that the man’s blindness is not a punishment for sin, but rather an opportunity for the works of God to be revealed.

Through this passage, we are invited to reinterpret the Old Testament in light of what Jesus reveals about God’s true nature. Jesus shows that God does not, and never has, caused human suffering as punishment for sin. Sometimes, things simply happen in our fallen world—without blame or divine retribution. God remains present, redemptive, and compassionate in the midst of it all.

Consider the story of King David. After his sin with Bathsheba and the murder of Uriah, Scripture records that the child became ill and died. Traditionally, this was read as divine punishment. Yet, through the lens of Jesus’ teaching, we can understand it differently. The child’s illness occurred within the natural course of a broken world—something God allowed but did not cause. In His foreknowledge, God knew what would happen and worked through those circumstances to bring David to repentance, restoration, and deeper faith.

A similar reflection can be made about the sons of Eli. 1 Samuel 2:25 records that “God made the decision to kill them.” In light of Jesus’ revelation, however, we understand that God knew the outcome of their actions. He allowed events to unfold as they would and, through His foreknowledge and justice, brought correction and warning to Israel. God did not strike them down; He permitted the consequences of their choices to come to pass.

These reinterpretations help us confront one of the hardest questions of faith: Does God cause our suffering? From the life and teaching of Jesus, the answer is no. Suffering is not God’s doing—it is part of the human condition, present in a fallen world. Yet nothing is beyond His redemptive power. God works within every circumstance to bring healing, growth, and deeper faith. Nothing escapes His notice, and nothing is beyond His grace.

When Adam and Eve disobeyed, they opened the door to a world where things could go wrong—where pain, illness, and tragedy became possible. Even then, God’s love remained constant. In Jesus, we see that God does not abandon us in suffering; He enters into it with us. He redeems it, transforms it, and walks beside us every step of the way.

This truth became personal to me when I was fourteen. In a moment of deep suffering, I heard my heavenly Father’s voice say to me, “This is not why I made you.” That moment changed my understanding of God forever. The pain I endured was not His plan—it was not His doing. Yet through it all, He walked with me, teaching me, healing me, and leading me into deeper faith. This is my Emmaus road—my journey with Jesus beside me, revealing the heart of the Father who never causes harm, but who always redeems.

There is nothing that escapes God’s knowledge. There is nothing He cannot work with or understand. Nothing His grace cannot touch. God’s love is a constant for us all, and in every circumstance, He remains good, faithful, and present.

God, Creation, and Issues

Reworked
07/11/2025

Being transgendered is difficult and challenging. Ignorance is a constant issue, no matter where it comes from.

In my journey with Jesus, I have learned many things. The most important is that God loves and understands me, even with the issues I carry. He has also taught me much about how He works within our lives.

Firstly, when Adam and Eve ate the fruit, death, suffering, and imperfection entered the world. Sin marred God’s creation, yet He does not abandon what humanity does. Through His foreknowledge, God works within the reality of human choices and the consequences of a fallen world, redeeming, shaping, and guiding toward His purposes. In my own life as a transgendered person, I have experienced this firsthand: God does not call me to erase my identity, but works within it, using even brokenness for healing and for good.

Hearing statements like “God doesn’t make mistakes” I feel immense confusion and anger. I know God does not cause suffering. In reality, when dad and mum create a child, they cooperate with God in the process. God knits the immortal soul together, humanity knits the human together. God wove the ability to bring life into the world into the very fabric of creation, entrusting humanity to cooperate with Him in this sacred process. We all exist because God willed it to be.

God knows the entirety of a life even before it begins—the struggles, the issues, the joys, and the wounds. When He knits the soul together, it is done with all the love He has, each piece infused with His care.

When issues appear, they are part of the fallen world’s imperfect framework. This goes back to Original Sin and its consequences. God knows what, how, and when things will happen. While He does not cause brokenness, He allows it to unfold within His permissive will. Nothing is outside His knowledge or His ability to use for holy purposes.

To suggest that God does not make mistakes, or to imply that He is responsible for human brokenness, I see it as a profound misunderstanding of creation and the realities of life in a fallen world. God loves us with the issues we have; He wants to work with us and understands our struggles. It is humanity that chooses ignorance or abuse, and such actions are never rooted in His love.

God also works through systems of care. Receiving a correct diagnosis and understanding what is happening in our lives is essential, even when the process is slow or painful. Bringing Jesus into the conversation helps. Being open to the divine perspective, to what Jesus sees and knows, can guide and comfort us.

In the spiritual battle, I have experienced the great heretic claiming that God is responsible for how we are. They say, “God made them that way,” denying human freedom and the reality of choice. According to them, rebellion is not a choice—they insist it is God’s fault that creation is the way it is. I see this claim as a profound lie and heresy, rooted in pride, contempt, and denial of God’s holy ways.

As Scripture says, Satan has been a liar from the beginning. Demons have no moral compass and no conscience; they are full of hatred and enmity toward God and all creation. The choices they made were eternal, and because of that eternal choice, they cannot repent. The devil and all his angels face the lake of fire for eternity.

God’s love and understanding, however, are constant. He works within the complexity of our lives, even the broken parts, using them for good, healing, and redemption. Nothing is outside His care, and nothing in our lives is a mistake.

A reflection on the above article

Hey Stacy,

Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable and profound reflection on your journey with Jesus and your experience as a transgender person. Your words carry the weight of lived theology—where doctrine meets the rawness of life, and where faith is not abstract but incarnate in struggle, hope, and love.

You’ve articulated something that many theologians wrestle with but few express with such clarity: that creation, though declared “very good,” bears the scars of freedom, fallenness, and foreknowledge. The idea that God knits the soul while humanity knits the body is a beautiful metaphor—one that echoes Psalm 139’s affirmation of divine intimacy and care, while also acknowledging the complexity of human biology and the consequences of original sin.

Your challenge to the phrase “God doesn’t make mistakes” is both courageous and theologically necessary. While some use it to affirm divine intentionality, it can become a weapon of spiritual invalidation when wielded without nuance. As you rightly point out, God’s omniscience does not mean God causes suffering—but rather that God, in love, chooses to enter into it with us. The cross itself is the ultimate testimony to this: not a mistake, but a divine willingness to bear the consequences of human brokenness.

In Christ, we see not a God who avoids imperfection, but one who redeems it. Jesus did not come to erase our humanity but to embrace it fully—including its complexities, its contradictions, and its cries for justice and understanding. Your experience of Jesus walking with you, teaching you, and loving you in your transgender identity is a living witness to the incarnational nature of grace.

Theologically, your reflection invites us to consider a God who does not merely tolerate difference but dwells within it. A God who, through foreknowledge, prepares to work with what is—not what should have been. This is not a concession; it is divine compassion. It is the God of Romans 8:28, who works all things together for good—not by erasing the pain, but by entering into it and transforming it.

You are right to name ignorance and abuse as human choices, not divine ones. The Church must repent of the ways it has failed to reflect the love and understanding of Christ, especially toward transgender people. True theology must be rooted in love, or it ceases to be theology at all.

Finally, your call to bring Jesus into the conversation—into diagnosis, understanding, and divine perspective—is a call to incarnational theology. It reminds us that Christ is not distant from our bodies, our identities, or our questions. He is Emmanuel—God with us—in every layer of our being.

Thank you for your witness. It is not only valid—it is sacred.

Kind regards,

David

The parable of the sower

Jesus the divine Gardener

Reworked 

07/11/2025

In this parable, God sows the seeds in the good soil in each of our hearts. The seeds represent the gifts, talents, and good things He gives to each of us.

The issues we have can present as concrete, weeds, briars, and rocks. These issues can and do interfere in our lives, and sometimes they crossover, affecting us in different ways.

The Concrete: Hardness of Heart

The concrete represents hardness of heart. I've encountered this in two ways:

1. As a footpath through the garden or a path circling around every plant.
2. As mixed into the dirt, part of the soil's foundation in the garden itself.

Sometimes, hardness of heart doesn’t just manifest as a separate issue—it interacts with other obstacles in the garden. For example, a hardened heart can make it difficult to sink our roots deep into God’s love. This can cause us to struggle with growth, even when we want to flourish. The concrete—representing hardness or resistance—often works alongside other issues, creating barriers that prevent us from fully reaching the nourishment and healing God intends for us. Hardness of heart can complicate our ability to allow God to reach the deep places of our souls, where healing and growth are most needed.

The Weeds and Briars: Interference in Growth

The weeds and briars above ground choke the good plants, hindering their growth. Beneath the surface, their roots work against the good plants, making it harder for them to establish themselves. As the weeds grow, they aim to starve or exhaust the good plants, preventing them from flourishing in the garden of God’s love.

However, the weeds and briars don’t just act alone—they often interfere with and magnify other issues in the garden. For example, a weed that chokes the good plants could be closely connected with unresolved pain or past wounds. These issues can cross over, feeding one another, and making healing feel more elusive. As a result, we may find ourselves dealing with multiple obstacles at once, where one issue makes it harder to address another. It’s not always just one thing at a time—it can be a web of issues interwoven in our hearts.

The Rocks: Hidden Barriers

The rocks in the garden can be like icebergs—only a small part is visible above the surface, while the majority is hidden beneath. We often don't know how deep or large the rocks are, but Jesus, the Divine Gardener, does. He alone understands the true size of the barriers in our hearts and knows how to remove them.

And like the weeds, the rocks in our lives don’t always act alone. A deeply rooted rock may also cause our hearts to harden, making it even more difficult to let go of past hurts or to open ourselves fully to God’s love. The rocks and the weeds can work in tandem to create layers of resistance that block us from fully receiving healing or growth. Jesus knows how these issues overlap, and He knows exactly where to begin to bring transformation.

Crossovers and Growth of Issues in the Garden of Our Hearts

It’s important to recognize that these issues don’t always remain isolated. They crossover and interact, sometimes complicating our healing. A hard heart can make it harder for us to address the roots of the weeds. The rocks can also make it difficult for us to trust God or sink our roots deeply into Him. We may face multiple layers of issues, where one problem magnifies the next.

But some issues don’t just cross over—they feed and grow, much like addiction. Just as weeds spread their roots and increase in size, certain issues can multiply, causing even more damage as they grow. These deeper-rooted issues add new layers of complexity to the healing process, and can affect areas of life that we didn’t initially expect. An issue like addiction, for example, doesn’t just stay confined to one area of our hearts—it can spread, infecting relationships, emotions, and even our understanding of ourselves. It often makes dealing with other issues even more difficult.

These issues can be self-perpetuating, feeding off one another, and creating cycles that are hard to break. What begins as a small weed can eventually choke out the growth of the entire garden. Addictive behaviors or compulsive patterns can become roots of destruction that not only interfere with the garden of our hearts but can also create further layers of pain and disconnection from God and others.

Jesus, the Divine Gardener: Preparing the Ground and Building Foundations

As time goes on, Jesus begins to tie things together. In the early stages, we may only see isolated areas being addressed—sometimes it feels like Jesus is simply tending to small issues or symptoms. However, as He works in us over time, He starts to deal with the deeper roots—those hidden places that we might not even recognize and/or know of. It's like tending to the root of a tree. We might not know exactly where that root is attached or how far it extends, but Jesus knows. He sees the connections and how the deeper issues intertwine.

This process can feel slow and often unseen. It might not always make sense to us in the moment, but as He works, we begin to see how the pieces come together. He knows what needs to be dealt with and in what order. Often, the deeper roots He addresses are those that have been hidden beneath the surface for a long time. As He pulls them out, the connections between issues become clearer, and healing begins to spread throughout the whole garden of our hearts.

Laying Stable Foundations for Growth

When Jesus begins to work in us, He often starts by building stable foundations—especially in the early stages of our journey. He deals with any flaws, weaknesses, or areas of instability that might hinder growth. Just like a gardener prepares the soil before planting, Jesus works in our hearts to prepare the ground. He may address foundational issues like trust, identity, and understanding, ensuring that we have a solid base to grow from.

For some, like myself with my gender issue, this foundational work can be ongoing. My gender identity is not something that has a quick fix or instant healing. It’s a lifelong issue that requires continued attention and care. The same is true for others who might be dealing with long-term challenges. Being open to the Holy Spirit is key in this process. The Holy Spirit helps us navigate and grow through these foundational issues, offering wisdom, comfort, and direction as we move forward.

Without a solid foundation, the deeper healing work would not have the strength to take root. So, in this process, Jesus first stabilizes our hearts—removing rocks, weeds, and debris that could obstruct future growth. He makes sure the soil is healthy and fertile before He moves on to the more complex or painful areas that will require deeper work.

Trusting the Process and the Timing

As He works on us, we may not always see the full scope of what He's doing. But through it all, He is preparing us for the deeper healing that will come. Just as a tree needs a strong root system before it can grow tall and bear fruit, we need a solid foundation before Jesus can address the more profound issues we face. He is patient, and He works at a pace that matches our ability to handle the next layer of healing.

In time, we will look back and see how each step of the process—whether it was the healing of small issues or the deeper roots—was part of God's loving plan to bring about wholeness. Jesus, the Divine Gardener, understands the journey of healing better than we do. He knows the timing, the order, and the depth of the work required. And He is always faithful to complete it.

Letting Jesus In

In all areas of our spiritual lives, especially in the garden of our own hearts, Jesus is the Divine Gardener. He knows what is going on in our lives, and nothing escapes His notice. He understands what needs to be done, and it is up to us to choose to let Him work in us. Using the sacraments, forgiving others, and asking for forgiveness are all part of the healing process. These are essential for spiritual growth and wholeness.

A Personal Reflection: Perfectionism as a Weed Root

When I was younger, I used to play cricket. My perfectionism—possibly arising from my elite giftings—often weighed heavily on me. I remember one time I got out and, frustrated with myself, I began bashing my bat on the ground. The keeper on the other side egged me on, telling me to throw it, but I didn’t.

Years later, Jesus revealed to me something profound: my perfectionism had added to the root base of His weeds in his heart. What I thought was simply striving for excellence had, in fact, made it harder for the good seeds to grow. My own intensity and self-criticism had thickened the roots of pride, frustration, and hardness—impediments to the life and growth God intended.

This memory reminds me that even qualities we admire in ourselves—discipline, drive, or perfectionism—can, when left unchecked or separated from God, feed the weeds in our hearts. Only by allowing Jesus, the divine gardener, to tend the garden of our lives can these hidden roots be addressed and transformed.

Reflection – The Garden Within

In every heart lies a hidden garden. Some parts are fertile, others hardened; some choked by weeds or blocked by stone. Yet the Divine Gardener never ceases his work. As we yield to his touch, what was barren becomes fruitful, and what was wounded becomes whole. The more we allow him to tend the soil of our soul, the more his love blossoms within us—and through us to others.

Scripture

John 15:1–2 (GNT)
“I am the real vine, and my Father is the gardener. He breaks off every branch in me that does not bear fruit, and he prunes every branch that does bear fruit, so that it will be clean and bear more fruit.”

Jesus second temptation

temptation of Jesus is covered in two of the gospels. Matthew 4:1-11 and Luke 4:1-13.

I was at mass listening to this gospel being read out. When it got to the second temptation Satan told Jesus, ‘All the kingdoms of the world have been given to me, I can give them to whoever I want. If you bow down to me they can be yours.’ When I heard this, the Holy Spirit told me Satan was lying when he said this. 

Reflecting upon this revelation I am reminded of where Jesus states Satan has been a liar from the beginning. The way I understand this is that their are no circumstances where Satan would be able to hand things over. His rejection of God is so thorough and complete that he has rejected everything of God. 

He and his kingdom is the complete antithesis of Gods kingdom. Greed and selfishness are two of his motives here. Love and adulation have no place in him. 

He is not capable of giving, accepting or receiving love. Hatred and enmity are his ways. All he wants to do is destroy all of Gods holy creation. His false view appears to be, once something is mine it is always mine. Jesus’ cross deals with this. A consequence of their rebellion is, all demons no longer have any moral compass or conscience. They are completely given over to evil. This decision is an eternal decision. They can never come back from this decision. Their is no hope for them, the lake of eternal fire is their ultimate destination. All who follow them will also end up there. 

Jesus in overcoming his temptations shows us the way. Through him, we must die to ourselves and take up our own cross’ and follow him. 

In John 12:31 it states, ‘Now is the time for this world to be judged; now the ruler of this world will be overthrown.’ Good news translation 

What is impossible for man is possible for God. Because of sin, the previously unbridgeable gap between God and humanity is now bridged through Jesus’ cross. As a result Satan is now defeated. He and his minions cannot ever overcome the cross of Jesus Christ. 

Shame

In growing up transgendered there were two emotions I became accustomed to living with. They were overwhelming senses of confusion and shame. 

Confusion at trying to be male when everything inside me was screaming out I am meant to be a girl and asking why aren’t I female? Secondly following on from that was an intense and overpowering sense of being ashamed at myself and these desires, emotions and feelings, and not being able to escape them. 

You don’t live, you learn to exist. 

The feelings and emotions are a constant. You are always aware of this, it is something that comes from deep within oneself. It is something that one cannot escape. 

Somewhere on this road, fear and ignorance join you. Fear asks questions like: Whats going on? Why am I at fault? What did I do wrong? Why me? etc. 

Ignorance either doesn’t understand whats happening and/or those around me get threatened and then react. And things can and generally do degenerate from there. 

Thoughts, feelings of suicide become a sort of release from all, the pain, confusion.  This can be constant and can build up in the soul till it erupts. 

Escaping the pain issues can be another road, be it addiction, fetishes, self harm or anything else. 

For me the need to remind myself of the shame I felt all those years ago. Doing anything I can to feel it again. Finding a release and then allowing myself to continue here, in a perverse way it makes me feel better about my self. 

As with all issues here it is only a short term release. The more I get the more I need to feel the same, to nullify the pain, to escape. 

Emotional scarring is what happens here. The pain intensifies and I don’t even realise that, for I am so used to living this way. It has become a ritual I can’t and don’t want to escape. It feels like I am enjoying this. 

All the time I am slowly killing my self, and I don’t even realise it. 

The need for love and acceptance are all the time below the surface. I try to fill it with anything that makes me feel better. 

However, Jesus is the only one who understands what is going on. 

The journey to recovery is slow, challenging and difficult. It involves learning to trust, let go, to hand over my pain , confusion, anger, fears. Facing the ugly and at times brutal reality of my condition and issues. Choosing to invite Jesus into all of this. Realising he knows me, the depth of my pain, struggles and issues and that he loves me as I am. 

Discovering that Jesus understands me, my issue(s) and can cope with, and loves and understand me as I am. 

Learning that no depth is too deep for Jesus, to reach into with his grace, not only lift me out of it, but heal me as well. 

He teaches me as well, shows me what is going on, calls me on, to learn from him who is love and mercy itself. 

He has a plan for my life post transition. He knew I would choose this and was ready for me when I did. 

No condemnation, no judgement, only love, patience, mercy understanding and Jesus presence and all that comes with him. 

He stands up to me and corrects me when I need it. He does this because he loves me and wants the best for me. 

He knows all of me intimately. Nothing in me can ever be hidden from him. 

He knows what I need, when I need it and it is always imparted in his love for me. He always wants the best for me. Such is his love for me. 

The Sin of Spiritual Amnesia

My Faithful and Remembering God, How quickly I forget.

How easily the memory fades of what You have done for me.

Like Israel, I have seen Your wonders ̶ the seas You parted, the bread You rained from heaven, the times You spoke comfort into my wilderness.

And yet, my heart grows dull, and I grumble as though You had done nothing at all.

You have been steadfast through every storm, but I have been forgetful through every mercy.

You rescued me, and still I fear tomorrow.

You fed me, and still I hunger for proof.

You loved me, and still I doubt Your tenderness.

Forgive me, Lord, for the sin of spiritual amnesia ̶ for forgetting the miracles that bore my name.

Forgive me for rewriting Your faithfulness in the ink of fear.

When I forget, I lose sight of who You are and who I am in You.

Restore to me a remembering heart.Let gratitude anchor me to the truth of Your constancy.

Teach me to mark my days with thanksgiving, to speak aloud what You have done, so that my soul never wanders into forgetfulness again.

You, O God, remember even when I forget.

Your covenant stands unbroken.

Your mercy does not fade with my memory.

And when I call to mind Your goodness, I am healed again.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

Reflection ‒ The Gift of Remembering

Israel’s greatest failure was not idolatry or rebellion ̶ it was forgetfulness.

When we forget what God has done, fear takes the throne that faith once held.

Spiritual amnesia blinds us to His presence in our story and makes the past feel wasted.

But when we remember, gratitude restores our vision.

Each act of remembrance is a return to covenant.

To remember is to worship; to recall His works is to renew our trust.

Memory becomes holy when it leads us back to Him.“Be careful that you do not forget the Lord, who rescued you from Egypt, where you were slaves.”

̶ Deuteronomy 6:12 (GNT

The Sacred Tension of Divine Love: Stark, Tender, and Overwhelming

In my mystical marriage with Jesus, I have come to understand that divine love is not always soft, not always soothing. There is a tension between the sweetness of union and the purity of truth that remains startling and, at times, even frightening.

The closer I draw to Him, the more I realize that love, in its truest form, is not a retreat into comfort or ease. God’s love burns. It refines, it purifies, and it reveals everything in the soul — every shadow, every imperfection, every corner we would rather leave hidden. And in that revelation, there is no condemnation. But there is a starkness.

When this first happened, I thought the minor issues, the things I’d tucked away in the corners of my heart, might slide by. How wrong I was. Even the smallest of hidden places is known to Him. There is no part of me that is beyond His gaze. At first, this felt harsh, uncomfortable, and even overwhelming. But in the starkness of His love, I see the truth: these things matter. They all matter.

God is Holy, and sin is not. Even though sin is intangible — appearing sometimes as wounds, regrets, or unresolved guilt — it cannot coexist with God’s holiness. His presence alone demands that all sin be purified. What feels like vulnerability is not weakness; it is the necessary purification that allows me to stand in the presence of such holiness.

Sometimes, the experience of His gaze feels like a burning light, exposing every part of me that is not Him. There is no place to hide, no moment of escape. Yet, even in the pain of that exposure, I realize the depth of His love. It is not the love that makes us comfortable in our sins, but the love that calls us out of them. In this marriage, I know both the sweetness of His presence and the rawness of His truth. It is both overwhelming and tender, terrifying and comforting, all at once.

Jesus doesn’t shy away from the intensity of this love. He knows what it means to love with everything. He has shown me that love can be both searing and gentle, both intimate and terrifying. In His gaze, there is nowhere to hide, but there is also nowhere I’d rather be. The starkness of His holiness may feel uncomfortable, but it is through this very discomfort that I am made whole.

So, I stay. I stay with Him, even in the difficult moments, because I know that in this love, there is healing. His truth cuts deep, but it is a cut that heals. He sees me in ways no one else can, and though at times it feels too much to bear, it is His love that sustains me

Mark 8:22‒26

They came to Bethsaida, where some people brought a blind man to Jesus and begged him to touch him. Jesus took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the village.
Then he spat on the man’s eyes, placed his hands on him, and asked, ‘Can you see anything?’ The man looked up and said, ‘Yes, I can see people, but they look like trees walking about.’ Jesus again placed his hands on the man’s eyes.
This time the man looked intently̶his eyesight returned, and he saw everything clearly. Jesus then sent him home, saying, ‘Do not go back into the village.’”

̶ Mark 8:22‒26 (GNT)

Reflection: Seeing Clearly

In this gospel story, Jesus heals a blind man ̶ but He needs to do it twice. There could be many reasons for this.
What I want to look at are the spiritual implications: that this man may have had two separate issues that needed to be dealt with, and Jesus chose to heal them separately.
When God works with us, we can be slow to believe, to understand, and to learn. As humans, we can forget what God has done. We can become too familiar with His works.
After Jesus initially restores the man’s eyesight, it is reported that he saw people as trees walking. Effectively, he could not focus, his sight was blurred. He needed Jesus’ help again.
And Jesus, in His mercy, was happy to complete the healing. It could also be that God was teaching us something through this.
Sometimes, like that man, our vision is not clear either. We think we see people ̶ and ourselves ̶ rightly, but we may still be viewing through a fog of hurt, fear, or misunderstanding.
We may see people as shapes, not as souls; or see ourselves as less than who God made us to be. It takes another touch from Jesus to see clearly, to recognise both our own worth and the dignity of others.
St. Paul wrote, “Now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I am fully known.” (1 Corinthians 13:12)

Our vision now is partial, dim, and easily distorted ̶ but God’s vision is never out of focus. He sees us and our lives with perfect clarity and love. Realising that our sight may be the blurred one takes humility before Him.
When walking with God, life becomes a journey of many steps. He can heal and reveal things in stages ̶ step by step along the road. It may be the way God chooses to work, or it may simply be the way we need Him to work. Before Jesus ascended to heaven, He told His disciples, “I have much more to tell you, but now it would be too much for you to bear. When the Holy Spirit comes, He will reveal the truth to you.” (John 16:12‒13)

This can be true for us as well. We need things revealed gradually. God knows when we are ready for the next step. Scripture says, “Your word is a lamp to guide me and a light for my path.” (Psalm 119:105) A lamp gives enough light for the next step, not the whole road ahead. Too often we look further than we need to, and when we do, our vision becomes blurred. In those moments, we need to go to Jesus and ask Him to help us focus ̶ on the next step, on what He’s asking of us today, on how He wants us to see ourselves and others through His eyes.
A saying from the Twelve Steps reminds us:“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift.” Today is where I meet my Creator, who unconditionally loves me and constantly desires His best for me.

My Reflection

This passage reminds me that spiritual clarity is not a single event but a journey. Jesus’ second touch shows that God is patient with our process.
We do not fail Him by needing another touch ̶ in fact, it is in our returning to Him that deeper healing happens. When our vision of ourselves or others feels distorted, when our hope blurs into fear, that is not the end of faith but the beginning of another invitation. Jesus is always ready to place His hands upon our eyes again, until we see clearly ̶ until we see with love.

Intercession

My experience with intercession is that it is both a gift and acalling. It transcends with us when we die.

As an intercessor, I can stand in the gap spiritually and pray for things to happen. The one thing I must never forget is this: while I pray the prayers, it is not my job to answer them — that is God’s job. My responsibility is simply to pray the prayers.
Over time, I have come to recognise several ways in which I am called to intercede:

1. **Things I need to pray for** — areas of pain, issues where I have been wrong, or places in my heart still needing grace.
2. **Things I want to pray for** — family, friends, and those close to me who are struggling.

3. **Things I have to pray for** — moments where I have been convicted by God to atone for situations I am responsible or involved in.

4. **Things I am asked to pray for** — when God entrusts me with the needs of another. Sometimes I am told very little.
Once, I was told simply: “When you pray for this person, I will know who that is. That is all you need to know. Trust this to me.” In this, I see God healing me of the grief I still carry from the death of my twin brother.

Through intercession, He is teaching me trust — using the very places of my pain as instruments of grace.
While there are surely other ways God works through intercession, these are the ones I have discovered so far.

*“In the same way the Spirit also comes to help us, weak as we are. For we do not know how we ought to pray; the Spirit himself pleads with God for us in groans that words cannot express. And God, who sees into our hearts, knows what the thought of the Spirit is; because the Spirit pleads with God on behalf of his people and in accordance with his will.”* — Romans 8:26–27 (GNT)

Reflection — The Hidden Fire of Intercession

True intercession is the hidden fire of love that burns within the contemplative heart. It is not noisy or self-directed; it listens and yields. When the intercessor prays, she becomes a vessel of divine compassion. The Holy Spirit breathes through her sighs, carrying her prayer into the eternal dialogue between the Father and the Son.
For the Carmelite soul, this is where heaven and earth meet — in silent availability to God’s will. To intercede is to allow Love to love through us. It is to become transparent to the mercy that flows unceasingly from the pierced Heart of Christ. When we finally pass beyond the veil, that prayer does not cease — it is fulfilled. For the intercessor’s soul, made one with the Beloved, becomes prayer itself. 

Intercession That Transcends

When we die in Christ, our prayer does not stop—it is transfigured. In this life, intercession rises from within the limits of time, pain, and flesh. After death, it flows freely within the eternal light of God. Our love and our prayers do not perish; they are perfected. They pass through death—the veil—and are caught up into divine union, where intercession becomes part of God’s own outpouring love.

This is the mystery of the communion of saints. Those who have gone before us continue to intercede for us, their prayers now one with Christ’s eternal prayer. As Scripture tells us: “He lives forever to intercede for us.” (Hebrews 7:25) For the soul united with Christ, death does not end prayer—it completes it.  
Intercession becomes no longer something we do, but something we are. The soul becomes prayer, because she abides in Love Itself.
In the illumination of divine consciousness, we glimpse that love transcends, prayer transcends, we transcend— because all are drawn up into the endless rhythm of love within the Trinity. 

The Bilge: Cleansing the Hidden Places

Vision

On each ship there is a bilge system. Its job is to pump out seawater that seeps in. On several ships, there appear to be some who have little to no idea what it is for. Many I have seen and been shown have pipes of different sizes running through the ship ̶ used for storage, garbage disposal, and other things.

On one ship the bilge pump was not working. They reported it to me. I asked them to replace it, at which point I was told, “We already have.” After that I was at a bit of a loss to know what to do. I decided to leave it in place and see what happens.

Another ship represented the Australian Government. I saw a manhole on the deck, inaccessible due to several layers of taut ropes running over it. They represented legislation that was in place. When those around it realised, they went to work to try to fix the issue.

In the hold I saw treasure ̶ gold and other valuables. But it was somewhere between half and two-thirds full of bilge water. It needed pumping out urgently.

Reflection

The bilge represents the unseen parts of the soul ̶ those hidden recesses where emotional residue, sin,and sorrow can quietly seep in. Over time, if this inner water is not drawn out through repentance, prayer, and self-examination, it rises and begins to threaten the vessel itself.

The ropes across the manhole symbolise rigidity: laws, systems, or habits that restrict access to healing.

When we cannot reach the place of cleansing, the treasures within us remain submerged.

God is showing the urgent need for spiritual maintenance ̶ the gentle, ongoing rhythm of releasing what does not belong and allowing His living water to flow freely again.
The bilge is not a shameful place; it is simply the space where hidden things are brought into the light of His grace.

Prayer

Lord Jesus,

Search the hidden places of my heart. Where water has seeped in unnoticed, draw it out by Your Spirit.

Help me not to be afraid of what lies beneath, but to open the hatches of my soul to Your cleansing grace.

May Your love restore what is submerged and lift the treasures You have placed within me to shine for Your glory.

Amen

Nathanial’s Lesson of Love

When I first met two of my spiritual children, I was trying to live as a male, Michael. Jesus brought them down to let me know they were safe, loved, and known.
They also wanted to be around me. They are Nathanial and Tobias, fraternal twins. At the time, they were about seven years old. Jesus told me Nathanial was like me, his father — he was “a little Michael.” I proceeded to call him “Michael Version Two” (MVT).
I thought it was funny and cute, but Nathanial would have none of it. He stood up to me, his dad, and gently but firmly refused what I was doing. He stamped his foot, stood up for himself and declared, 'I am an individual'.
It took me a while to realise what he was telling me. I asked Jesus am I having a go at him? I was told, 'Yes you are'. With that I started to realise, that sort of humour doesn’t wash in heaven or with God. Love is the way up there.
Nathanial is so secure in who he is in God that he stood up to his dad and taught me about divine love. I have since been able to thank him for doing this — for reminding me that love, not laughter at another’s expense, is what heaven cherishes most.

**Reflection — The Child Who Taught the Father**

Nathanial’s quiet courage is a mirror of heaven’s order, where innocence is not weakness but strength in love. Through his resistance, he reflected the Father’s nature — that identity is never born from jest but from grace. His simple stand called forth humility in me, reminding me that even a father learns through his children.
God often teaches us through the pure hearts of those who have never forgotten what it means to belong entirely to Him.

“Then Jesus called the children to him and said, ‘Let the children come to me and do not stop them, because the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these.’” — Luke 18:16 (GNT)

Pa and Uncle Hilary

My Pa died in May of 1974, and Uncle Hilary in 1978. I never went to Pa’s funeral.
2024 marked the 50th anniversary of Pa’s death, and in my spirit, For the last twelve months leading up to his anniversary, I wanted to do something to honour him on that day.
One day, Jesus came to me and asked me to pray for both of them—to help bring them to heaven.

At this point, I heard Pa say, “Don’t come to this place.”
Even from the depths, his love spoke — not in despair,
but as a grandfather’s warning born of care.
And I knew then that mercy was already reaching for Him.

I knew they were both WWII veterans, but what I was shown was difficult: they were both in hell. They had suffered deeply from PTSD after their service, and they had judged themselves unworthy of entering heaven.
As I prayed, Jesus allowed me to stand in the gap and break the self-judgments that held them bound. Uncle Hilary was released and went to heaven. Pa, however, had to go through purgatory. Jesus told me, “There are a couple of things that need to be dealt with.”
I asked, “He’s just done fifty years in the other place—what about time served?”
Jesus replied gently, “Hell doesn’t purge the way purgatory does.”

Through this, I realised that Jesus was also healing me. I had never had closure from Pa’s death, since I never got to say goodbye. And as this unfolded, I heard my dad cry in release—from heaven. God was healing him too, through this act of mercy.

Reflection – Love That Purifies Through Time
This revelation became both an act of mercy and a healing of memory.
Jesus invited me into His work of redemption —
not only for those who had died,
but for the parts of my own heart still bound in grief.

Pa and Uncle Hilary had both carried the invisible wounds of war.
In their pain, they judged themselves beyond forgiveness.
But divine love reached into the depths where despair had settled.
When Jesus said, “Hell doesn’t purge the way purgatory does,”
He revealed the difference between judgment and transformation. Hell locks love out — purgatory lets love in. And love purifies.

Through this encounter, God gave me closure,
and Pa found freedom through mercy.
It was not only his release — it was mine too.

Scripture (GNT):

“Love is eternal. There are inspired messages, but they are temporary;
there are gifts of speaking in strange tongues, but they will cease;
there is knowledge, but it will pass.”
— 1 Corinthians 13:8

The Mercy of God’s Perfect Vision: Healing What We Cannot See

In the stillness of prayer, I’ve come to understand a profound truth: there is more than just the healing of wounds in this life; there is the urgency of addressing what we cannot see, and of reconciling the deep places of our hearts. The vision of interceding for others, whether for souls in purgation or those far from God, has also revealed something about the importance of healing and reconciling with ourselves before our time here ends.

We cannot allow unresolved pain, shame, guilt, or anger to fester. If we carry these burdens without seeking healing and forgiveness, they follow us into the next realm. God shows me that we must address our wounds here, before death, or risk carrying their weight into eternity. Whether through purgation or in the eternal separation of Hell, unresolved pain follows us—and God, in His mercy, uses this truth to call us to repentance and healing.

But there is more—God does not just see the surface. He sees what we cannot. He sees the depth of our wounds, the parts of ourselves we hide, the places we cannot reach. In our human frailty, we often miss the roots of our brokenness, the hidden griefs and regrets, the consequences of sins we cannot even recognize. But God sees all of it, with perfect clarity and love. His mercy is not blind. He knows exactly what we need to heal, and He sees the full potential for restoration, even when we can’t see it ourselves.

I have heard Him say, “To try and hide something from Me is delusional.” It’s a reminder that nothing—no pain, no sin, no fear—can be hidden from His sight. He knows it all. And in knowing it, He invites us into healing. We can’t fool God into thinking we’ve “got it all together,” or pretend that our wounds don’t exist. His vision is perfect, and it’s through His grace that I am being healed—not just in the obvious places, but in those depths of soul that only He can reach.

In one of my intercessions, I saw a soul in the second level of purgatory. This soul, let’s call him Luke, was caught in a furious struggle, his chamber shaking with anger. The tube-like structure in which he was confined rocked side to side, as if the fury within him could move it. At first, I thought this might be demonic, such was the intensity of his rage. But Jesus spoke softly, “He’s not tormented by demons. He’s angry because he was caught. He thought he could hide something from Me.”

That moment revealed a key truth: even in the deepest parts of purification, souls must face the truth they tried to escape. The first wound Love heals is the illusion of secrecy, the belief that we can hide parts of ourselves from God. The fire that burns in purgation isn’t hatred, but the light of truth breaking through denial. God’s mercy doesn’t destroy; it uncovers, not to condemn, but to cleanse. Even in the second level, even in the deepest purification, mercy is at work.

God misses nothing. Every thought, act, and wound — no matter how minor — will be brought into His light. Nothing slides past Him. At first, this can feel unbearable, as though the weight of perfect justice presses on the soul. Yet this is not condemnation. It is mercy in its purest form: a love so complete that it refuses to leave even the smallest fragment of darkness unhealed.

Before such love, there is nowhere to hide — and no need to. What once felt like exposure becomes invitation. God’s gaze does not destroy; it restores.

The same mercy applies to all souls, including those who seem beyond redemption, those whose sins are grievous, those who have hurt others. God sees them too. In His perfect vision, He knows what they need for healing, and He loves them with a mercy that surpasses all understanding. Just as He sees the wounds in me, He sees them in others—and His mercy extends into the darkest places, calling us all to reconciliation and wholeness.

Through my own journey of healing, I’ve come to see that God is asking us to do the hard work of reconciling with ourselves and others here on Earth. The wounds we leave unhealed in this life will follow us into eternity, either purified in Purgatory or left unresolved, with consequences we may not fully understand. But God’s mercy will always be there, reaching deeper than we can imagine.

In the process of healing, I pray that we all recognize the urgency of reconciling before death, of addressing the wounds and sins we carry, and of allowing God’s grace to heal us fully. His vision is perfect. He sees what we cannot—and His love will lead us to wholeness.

Intercession as a Shared Vocation

One of the most shaping revelations in my journey has been that intercession is not merely an activity — it is a vocation, a calling woven into the Body of Christ.

God once told me that there are people in Heaven who wait on my prayers. At first, I didn’t understand. But gradually, He taught me that intercession is never solitary. It is part of the divine circle of love, where Heaven and Earth join together in petition, praise, and spiritual labor.

Through one of my children in Heaven, I was told that around the ages of 18–20, I would receive a prayer vocation. Others would pray with me, for me, and into the intentions entrusted to me.

We carry burdens together. We share the load. When one link is missing, the chain cannot do its work. Once, one of my brothers in Heaven came to me — not in anger, but in urgency — and said:

“When you don’t pray, I can’t pray.”

Certain intercessions are joint missions. When I withdraw, others are forced to stand still. When I step forward, they can join their strength, their grace, and their voice to mine.

Intercession, then, is participation in something far larger than myself — a communion… a network… a family. And when I show up, Heaven shows up with me.

Reflection for the Reader

Intercession is a vocation that is both personal and communal. It is not about guilt or obligation — it is about relationship. Each prayer you offer is a link in a chain of love and grace that spans Heaven and Earth.

We are called to show up, even when it is difficult, even when our hearts resist. Doing so does not only honor God — it enables others to fulfill their vocation alongside us. Our prayers matter. Our presence matters. Our love matters.

God invites us into mutual partnership: He acts through us, with us, and sometimes even waits for our response to complete what He intends. In this, intercession becomes a dance of love — a shared work of Heaven and Earth.

The Catapult and the Two Souls

Lament / Vision

I saw myself in a quiet place with a catapult or two at my disposal. Out of boredom, I began to play — finding small things to place inside and sending them far away, just to see how far they would go.

The next day two people came to me.
The first was a boy named Luke, about twelve years old. He said I had taken something that belonged to him. He had been pulling apart an old oven to see how it worked. I went and retrieved what was his and returned it.

Then came a man who had no name. I released his name in Jesus’ name, and he returned the next day saying, “My name is Geoff.” He told me he had always been fascinated by sinks and plumbing and had been collecting them — but I had taken one from his collection. So again, I went and returned it to him.

And the Lord said to me,
“You did this out of boredom — but I sent these souls to you so you would have something to do.”

In that moment I understood that God misses nothing — not even my restlessness, not even the moments I think are wasted. Everything can be gathered into His work of restoration.

Reflection – The God Who knows me and misses nothing 

God knows me so well that even my smallest, most idle movements become lessons in His mercy. When I grow restless or distracted, He does not condemn me — He redirects me. The catapult was a picture of my wandering energy, and the two souls were living symbols of God’s trust in me to restore what I had displaced.

Luke, whose name means light, was learning about the fires of transformation.
Geoff, once nameless, was learning about cleansing and flow.
In both, I was shown that God allows me to take part in His quiet work — returning what is lost, restoring names, helping grace to flow again.

Nothing in my life is wasted. Even boredom becomes a doorway through which God teaches me to see, to repair, to love. He knows every stirring of my heart, every impulse of my spirit, and turns each one into purpose. Truly, He misses nothing.

Scripture

“You know everything I do; from far away you understand all my thoughts.”
— Psalm 139:2 (GNT)